Episode #32 - Slam Dunk Ernest
Stacey: “Slam Dunk Ernest was a gift from my mother. I don’t remember if it was a birthday present or a Christmas present, but either way.”
Oscar: Oh fuck me. That logo doesn’t bode well. (0:00)
Jackie: “And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as ‘The Archangel’”
Oscar: Granted, I do like that title card. (0:01)
Oscar: I’m having trouble with the spatial relations of this movie. (0:02)
Jackie: I’m trying to think of another situation in which we’d all be in the living watching “Slam Dunk Ernest” complacently.
Andy: I’m not sure Oscar is watching complacently. (0:04)
Oscar: This feels like that one very special episode of “Diff’rent Strokes” with the child molester. (0:05)
Jackie: This is so 90s it’s painful [one dude reaches for the radio]… oh no… why did I say that? (0:05)
Andy: Well, now that we established that the sculpture has value, Ernest is going to destroy it. (0:07)
Oscar: They’re sounding the Gilbert Godfrey alarm! (0:08)
Jackie: What’s Ernest’s deal? (0:11)
All: Uagghh! (0:11)
Andy: I’m reminded every second why I never watched Ernest movies. (0:12)
Oscar: So, to recap - this is the story of the retarded janitor who wants to join the gay basketball team.
Jackie: Woah, Ernest is jacked. What’s with that? (0:16)
Oscar: So how long do you think this scene is going to last?
Andy: You know, if this is all this movies does, that’s not so bad.
Jackie: It’s just a full basketball game. (0:19)
Oscar: Ernest, never say “throbbing” again.
Andy: He just said, “i’ll be a coiled cobra throbbing with power.”
Jackie: Ugh… (0:21)
Jackie: Don’t you hate it when basketball players try to act? (0:24)
Jackie: Did those shoes have water cooling? How long is this movie?
Andy: Too long.
Jackie: T’AHRS!
Oscar: It’s 93 minutes.
Andy: That’s exactly as long as The Hitcher!
Oscar: I hope Rutger Hauer shows up and kills everyboy. (0:25)
Andy: What was the movie with Robin Williams and the green stuff?
Jackie: Blubber? Wait, Flubber? Blubber was the Judy Blume book.
Andy: Right. This movie now has that. (0:26)
Oscar: “It’s the wrong sneakers, Gromit!” (0:27)
Oscar: This becomes a Kafka story.
Andy: “Ernest awoke one morning to discover he’s become a giant basketball player.” (0:30)
Andy: Where did that ball come from?
Jackie: It’s like Contact! (0:31)
Oscar: Was that supposed to be his sillhouette?
Stacey: Yeah.
Oscar: Looks more like a sillhouette of Alfred Hitchcock as a penguin with boobs. (0:32)
Oscar: She is like a budget Jan Hooks, which is really sad. (0:34)
Andy: It’s budget Martin Mull. (0:35)
Jackie: This is like a bad Rocko joke.
Oscar: That’s actually not a bad Bogart impression. (0:37)
Jackie: So basically, Ernet is still an ass, but he has cool shoes now.
Andy: Yeah. It’s like Flubber, only he didn’t invent the shoes. (0:44)
Jackie: So who’s that guy?
Andy: He’s the talent scout from the beginning.
Jackie: Oh yeah, the one hitting on the kid.
Andy: Yeah, the pedaphile. (0:46)
Andy: Is this supposed to be the Globetrotters theme?
Oscar: I think it’t supposed be an approximation of it. (0:50)
Oscar: You know, I’ll double check, but I don’t think this made the AFI top Sports Movies. (0:51)
Andy: His voice is like Jon Stewart doing George W. Bush. (0:54)
Oscar: He’s going to wind up cutting off his feet like a chainsaw. (0:54)
Jackie: Why is everyone so quiet?
Andy: I guess it’s stunned silence.
Oscar: Yeah, I’m kind of numbed. (1:00)
Stacey: Don’t be so serious about this. Think of it as the Three Stooges.
Andy: That’ll be the last time you compare this to the Three Stooges.
Stacey: Alright, fine. One Stooge.
Andy: You’re missing the point. (1:03)
Andy: Now it’s budget Vogue.
Jackie: What happened to the nice, bookish girl?
Stacey: She turned evil! (1:05)
Stacey: I like how crazy this is making Oscar.
Andy: I have to agree with you there.
Stacey: We’ll break his little film school heart. (1:06)
Andy: Those are good names for shoes.
Jackie: What were they called again?
Andy: “Utopian Flight” (1:09)
Andy: That was actually a funny line. I can’t believe I just said that.
Stacey: Hah. (1:11)
Oscar: I wonder if those are actually the Charlotte Hornets. (1:12)
Oscar: Woah.
Stacey: Different video quality.
Jackie: It looks like he’s in video and they’re on film.
Oscar: Yeah, and he’s definitely blue screened in there. (1:15)
Andy: Ah good, remorse, ten minutes of retribution, and then this movie’s over. (1:17)
Oscar: Switch to midget racing! We could be watching midget racing… (1:23)
Andy: I don’t like the eyes. Shoes shouldn’t have eyes. (1:24)
Andy: I know! He’s gotta believe! (1:26)
Oscar: I think this movie just lost me. (1:29)
Andy: “Very expensive money”? (1:30)
(for the first time in this entire series, we have been unable to find a clip of the movie we’re watching. we’ll fix this as soon as we can).
Oscar: You know what? This isn’t a very good movie. There. I said it. 1/2 Capacity Stadium
Andy: And me. And more money. And me. And more money. And me. And more money. And me. And more money. And me. And more money… Nice to see Kareem again. 1 Priceless Statue
Jackie: Oh yes, now I remember hating Ernest movies when I was younger. 1 Pair of Water-Cooled Shoes
Stacey: When I was a kid, I really would have wanted those shoes, but because I think they would have been covered in electronics and have rockets in them, and that would be just cool. 1 Non-Removable Hat
