Episode #30 - Tales From The Grave (Beyond Death, Brides of the Dead, and The Rotting Dead)
Stacey: “I’m not totally sure where this came from, but odds are high that it came from the ‘2 for $10’ bin at Wal-Mart.”
Beyond Death starts us off.
Jackie: “The Hunger…” (0:00)
Oscar: Beyond the Halloween store.
Jackie: It’s an “Are You Afraid of the Dark” episode! (0:00)
Andy: Hey the guy in the metal shirt is like Victor from Wet Hot American Summer.. and it’s budget… uh… Katie Holmes. (0:02)
Oscar: You know what? I think I’ve seen this. I think this is part of “The Dead Hate The Living”! (0:03)
Bethany: They still haven’t explained why they all are covered in blood.
Stacey: They’re filming a movie, I think.
Oscar: They explained it, in “The Dead Hate The Living.” (0:03)
Oscar: Hello, day-for-night.
Andy: Nice to see we’re back in our true form. (0:06)
Oscar: Somehow I don’t remember it being this bad. (0:08)
Bethany: Can you imagine the casting call for this? “We’re looking for a really bad actor to play a really bad actor.” (0:08)
Oscar: They opened a portal to an Iron Maiden concert.
Stacey: If they keep going it’ll be a Gwar show. (0:09)
Andy: So it looks like they just cut out all of the non-zombie bits in this movie.
Oscar: This is probably the right way to see this movie.
Jackie: Is this in order? Or is it missing stuff?
Oscar: I think it’s just the gore. I’ll be curious if they keep the ending, because the ending sucked. As opposed to the rest of this. (0:11)
Bethany: “I am a British Zombie!”
Stacey: “We have a strobe light!”
Oscar: “Enjoy our lazer tag!” (0:12)
Stacey: Ooh, they’re going to turn him into a zombie. And they’re dragging him by entrails.
Andy: Which are conveniently tied to his belt. (0:14)
Oscar: Hey! There’s a “living dead giiiirlll…”
Stacey: Hey! Where’s the blood and… oh, there it is. (0:18)
Stacey: He was an amazing shot a while ago. What happenend?
Jackie: Wait, where did he get the gun?
Oscar: I feel like all of this might have been explained in the actual movie? (0:27)
Andy: Do you think the people that made the original movie know about this DVD that slices up their movie? Should I be calling someone? (0:28)
Onto Brides of the Dead…
Oscar: Hey, it’s the Steve Buscemi looking guy from Terror Firmer. (0:29)
Bethany: They totally had a show like this on MTV. (0:32)
Andy: So… what movie is this totally ripping off, Oscar?
Oscar: I don’t know… (0:34)
Bethany: It’s a house with exit signs on the door. (0:35)
Andy: “ooooohhh… welllcooommeee to Spooooooky World….”
Oscar: It’s Louise Woodward!
Stacey: Did her guts just shake out? (0:39)
Bethany: Oh man, hankercheif tops. That puts this at around 1999. (0:39)
Andy: What!? Are you kidding me?
Oscar: Oh, straight-to-video horror. (0:41)
Jackie: He is such an unattractive guy. (0:42)
Oscar: When did Rainbow say any of this?
Andy: In the cut of the movie that isn’t on this disc. (0:45)
Andy: Okay, so the actual name of this movie is “Hell Asylum.” (0:48)
Stacey: This is like reality TV meets Fear Factor.
Oscar: … which is reality TV.
Stacey: Well, the whole living in the house together thing too. (0:50)
Oscar: And we have our “final girl.” (0:50)
Andy: This has all the acting of a porn film (0:52)
Oscar: The talisman didn’t do much for you, Rainbow.
Andy: Also, talisman? It’s a cross! (0:53)
Oscar: Are they in Abu Ghraib?
Andy: Oh… too far. (0:54)
Greg: Look at all that spaghetti!
Oscar: She’s full of Twizzlers Pull-And-Peel. (0:55)
Andy: Yeah! Two bad endings in a row! Can we make it three?
Oscar: Wait, there’s an epilogue. (0:57)
Onto The Rotting Dead
Stacey: Hey, it’s budget David Duchovny.
Andy: And budget Michael Moore. (0:58)
Bethany: I don’t know… I feel like if there was a ferral jackyl boy in my town I would know about it. (1:00)
Andy: I don’t know. I wouldn’t stick around to see when they say “do you want to know what it’s like to be dead and rotting?”
Bethany: Apparently it’s like chicken pox. (1:01)
Andy: You know what, I do admire the fact that they are trimming all of the fat out of…
All: Uuuuuughhhhhh!
Oscar: that’s the first nudity!?
Andy: I take everything back. I hate this DVD. (1:03)
Bethany: Men don’t know those words! (1:06)
Andy: Did she just have an abortion?
Stacey: And put it in a skeleton and on a pumpkin?
Andy: What’s going on here?
Stacey: Come now, don’t you know
Oscar: This is the best Halloween craft show ever.
Greg: “Okay, take the half-born fetus, put it in a skeleton…” (1:08)
Jackie: Day-for-night like woah. (1:08)
Oscar: I think this is the one where the editing technique falls apart. (1:10)
Oscar: Did they just fade out of that scene halfway through?
Andy: Man this one just does not hold up.
Jackie: At least the others you could follow.
Oscar: Yeah, the others I could buy as short films. (1:14)
Andy: Wait, is that budget Katie Holmes?
Bethany: No, it’s more like budget Liv Tyler.
Oscar: Or budget Rose McGowan.
Bethany: I think Rose McGowan is budget Rose McGowan.
Jackie: She kinda looks like the lead singer from Evanescence. (1:16)
Oscar: Did they cut out the part when they kill the cat? This sounds like the central part to this movie. (1:17)
Jackie: Who is that kid?
Andy: “He killed the cat!” (1:18)
Oscar: Is that Tromeo? (1:18)
Andy: Whammy? Are we playing “Press Your Luck”? (1:19)
Oscar: So is putting the whammy on something that exists outside of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins lyrics? (1:20)
All: Homunculus? homunculus! (1:20)
Andy: Okay, this movie is actually “Dead & Rotting” from 2002. (1:24)
Oscar: Ah, this is Full Moon Direct. This is the kind of thing Full Moon would do.
Andy: Okay, so “Beyond Death” is actually called “The Dead Hate the Living.” “Brides of the Dead” is called “Hell Asylum,” and “The Rotting Dead” is “Dead & Rotting.” You loose a little in watching them packaged with all the surplus footage removed, but not much. I’d say it’s the perfect pace for a horror marathon. 1 Set of Skeeels.
Oscar: I suppose I should take it as sort of a moment of clarity, when I realized I am stumbling across the same direct-to-video horror tripe repeatedly. As it stands, though, this movie filled me with a weird sort of nostalgia. Buckets of generic entrail strands.
Stacey: Each movie on its own could have never been enough, but packaged together, they work. Thank you, Wal-Mart. Worth about 5 Bucks.
Bethany: These movies left me with lingering nausea and a craving for red Kool-Aid. 3 semi-aborted pumpkin babies (one for each film).
Jackie: I could definitely dig the first two “movies.” By the third they seemed to have lost interest in editing, but all in all - pretty amazing. 1 Pint of CGI Blood.
