Episode #26 - Matrix Reloaded
Jackie: “As with the Exorcist, I found this lying around my office with some other DVDs and a whole bunch of CDs. Apparently my boss had been cleaning out his DVD and CD collection, and these were up for grabs.”
Jackie: So is this the second or the third one?
Oscar: This is the second.
Jackie: Oh… oh my gosh it’s awful already! This is exactly what we thought it would be. (0:01)
Andy: I’ll give this movie one thing. It doesn’t trouble us with exposition. (0:02)
Oscar: “Woah.”
Andy: We’re going to do that a lot, aren’t we? (0:03)
Oscar: Andy, have you seen this?
Andy: Yeah. I think I saw this twice in the theater…
Jackie: What?! Really?
Andy: Yeah, I saw it with two different groups of people.
Jackie: I just lost some respect for you.
Andy: What? Fuck you! I don’t own this movie.
Jackie: Yeah, but I didn’t pay for it. (0:05)
Jackie: Why are they all wearing sunglasses?
Oscar: So they can, so they can see the visions in their mind. (0:06)
Jackie: Are they in the Matrix or not? (0:10)
Andy: Now, who supervised the stunts in this? Wasn’t it the guy from Crouching Tiger and Hero?
Oscar: Yeah - Yuen Woo-Ping. He also did Drunken Wu-Tang.
Andy: Aw, awesome. (0:11)
Oscar: It’s Iron Monger! (0:13)
Oscar: You know, I’m not saying this entirely to be a smart ass, but this movie would be a lot better if they just got rid of the dialogue entirely.
Jackie: Yeah, I mean… it has really good special effects. You could combine this movie with the plot of Battlefield Earth and have a hell of a movie.
Andy: Or just… hell. (0:15)
Oscar: This is pretty funny if you imagine Morpheous as Cowboy Curtis. (0:17)
Oscar: Andy Rooney? (0:18)
Jackie: This all feels like a Star Trek parody.
Oscar: This feels like Star Trek fan fiction. (0:19)
Andy: Woah, hang on.
Stacey: He pulled himself up there…
Andy: No no no - look who it is.
Jackie: Woah!
Oscar: Awesome!
Andy: Man, Zoe gets on a much cooler ship with Serenity later. (0:22)
Jackie: Are we in Middle Earth now? (0:24)
Oscar: “Caaaan you diiiig iiiiitttt!!!?!?!???” (0:24)
Oscar: Oh man, they got Stomp to play!
Andy: “Zub zub, me say zub zub…”
Oscar: Meanwhile at Woodstock ‘99 (0:27)
Jackie: Is this a rave now?
Stacey: Yes, yes it is. (0:28)
Andy: There’s a lot of E in Zion.
Stacey: They just pump it into the atmosphere. (0:29)
Andy: So, in the future… robots are going come after us, so in defense we’ll throw a massive orgy.
Stacey: There’s a drone for every person. “Quick! Make more!” (0:30)
Oscar: “Woah.” (0:31)
Jackie: Oh come on. “It’s a rainbow!” (0:32)
Jackie: He kinda looks like a Klingon, doesn’t he? Not Keanu - the other one. (0:36)
Jackie: Home office. (0:37)
Oscar: There’s probably a Riff Trax for this, too.
Jackie: Oh man, there probably is. (0:37)
Andy: Alright, I’ve been avoiding asking this the whole time: How long is this movie?
Oscar: Let’s see… oooh. 138 minutes. (0:38)
Oscar: Has Carrie-Ann Moss ever played a junkie, or is it that I just think she looks like one? (0:42)
Andy: 138 minutes, huh?
Oscar: Yup. (0:45)
Oscar: uuuuuughhh…
Andy: Remember those hot-shot college Freshman that though they were waaay deep because they were thinking for the first time in their god-damn lives? Was this written by them?
Jackie: Ugh, what the frig? (0:46)
Jackie: This was written by someone who took Philosophy 101 and dropped it two weeks in. (0:49)
Jackie: Who is Agent Smith? I always thought he was good as this role.
Oscar: He also played Elrond in the Lord of the Rings.
Andy: He’s… Hugo Weaving. Oh man, he was the voice of Megatron in the new Transformers movie!
All: Awesome! (0:50)
Andy: This is my favorite scene. Just fighting a bunch of the same guy.
Jackie: It looks like a fight amongst the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. (0:54)
Andy: Yeah, this is the best scene in the movie. Sorry, guys. It’s downhill from here.
Jackie: Yeah, if this movie were all action it’d be good.
Oscar: One long fight scene. (0:59)
Oscar: Where did she get that hat!? It’s the robot apocalypse. (1:00)
Oscar: This is like watching CSPAN. (1:02)
Andy: So this guy’s claim to fame is that he made date-rape chocolate cake? (1:08)
Jackie: That is the worst thing that I have ever seen! Come on! Did he make a program that would give a woman an orgasm by eating cake?
Oscar: Yeah. (1:10)
Andy: By the way, Keanu Reeves wrote this scene. Little known fact. (1:12)
Stacey: He just used the Force! (1:18)
Andy: By the way, guys: one hour left in the movie!
Jackie: Are you serious?
Andy: Yup. (1:38)
Oscar: This scene could use a Wilhelm scream.
Andy: In slow motion. (1:19)
Andy: Really this whole movie is a metaphor for badware. (1:20)
Oh hey, it’s Aaron!
Aaron: “Hello, operator, please give me number 9!” (1:23)
We’re catching up on the finer points of how bad this movie is in general. Nothing quotable.
Aaron: “You can’t stop me, you punk-ass bitch!”
Andy: Boy, look at that Chrysler.
Oscar: I wanna buy me a car that gets that many bulletts. (1:30)
Andy: “Woah.” (1:31)
Aaron: Meanwhile, in Star Wars. (1:37)
Andy: Meanwhile, in a David Lynch film. (1:38)
Aaron: “Tonight is going to last… two movies.” (1:42)
Oscar: You know, this movie encourages skitzophrenics to go on killing sprees. (1:45)
Aaron: “Woah.” (1:49)
We’re all quietly watching the end of the movie.
Stacey: Cool pen. (1:55)
Jackie: This scene is so boring. (1:56)
Aaron: “Katamari Damacy…” (1:59)
Andy: Oh man, never has Rage Against the Machine felt so impotent. (2:07)
Stacey: Does this mean there are 10 minutes of credits?
Oscar: Yes. (2:07)
Aaron: I always try and pretend like the second two movies weren’t made. Kind of like Lord of the Rings. Except not. (2:08)
Andy: I am conflicted. The movie went by fast when people were fighting, but incredibly slow when anything was happening that wasn’t fighting. I at once want to see the original Matrix again, and never want to endorse any Matrix-related product for the rest of my life. Some may call this a glitch in my Matrix consumption; I’m just deleting the whole damn thing. Woah.
Aaron: Woah-y woah woah woah! There must be a lot of gods out there, to have so many acts of it. A 30-meter Chrysler Star
Oscar: I stand by my assertion that there’s a really good silent film hidden inside of this. Watching this movie is like watching the shitty YouTube remakes of George Melies’ A Trip to the Moon, where some internet douche has replaced the soundtrack with Prodigy, and has him reading the Desiderata. 1 Bagillion Elrons.
Stacey: I enjoyed this movie for the reasons my mother likes Lethal Weapon. Action and the right people without their clothes on. 2 Ghosts.
Jackie: Not as bad as I expected, but still bad. I agree with Oscar - if there were no dialogue it would an okay movie. Too Many Fucking Pairs of Sunglasses
