Episode #23 - Battlefield Earth
Special guest, kinda, Aaron!
Oscar: “Ok. My good friend Webster got this for me as a Christmas present in high school. He figured, and I agree, that it’s probably something I should own. However, I have never gone so far as to watch the damn thing. And that’s all. *Nods*”
Aaron: Maybe we’ll luck out and the movie will be nothing like the cover.
Stacey: And the chapter shots. (0:00)
Jackie: So this bankrupted the company, eh? (0:01)
Oscar: The scrawl is just going through the whole movie.
Aaron: C’mon Lord of the Rights… C’mon Waterworld. (0:02)
Aaron: Well, 1000 years from now and they still have dreadlocks.
Stacey: Not even dreadlocks. Braids. (0:03)
All: Woah! Great scene transition!
Aaron: Best since Star Wars. (0:04)
Oscar: It feels like Mr. Show sketch.
Jackie: It really does.
Aaron: If this is a Mr. Show sketch, it’s done in really poor taste. (0:05)
Oscar: These are remarkably well shaved cavemen. (0:06)
Andy: I’m glad this guy found the stock effects in Avid.
Oscar: These are like cable access transition. (0:08)
Aaron: Okay, this is the fourth slow motion shot. (0:07)
Stacey: It’s a mini golf course! (0:07)
Aaron: I hope the rest of the movie is a nostril-flare-off like this. (0:08)
Stacey: I was right!! (0:08)
Oscar: Oh my god! Every scene!
Jackie: That’s the third bad transition.
Aaron: I’ll count the slow-mos if you count the transitions. (0:10)
Andy: This is like level one in Fallout. (0:10)
Jackie: That’s four!
Aaron: They’re getting slower. (0:10)
Jackie: Slow-mo!
Andy: Slow-mo!
Aaron: Five! (0:11)
Stacey: This is a new slow-mo.
Aaron: Seven… eight… should I keep counting?
Jackie: I’m not sure you can. The whole movie might be like this.
Aaron: I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. Seven.
Andy: So was that eight? (0:13)
Oscar: This is like the one replicant death in Blade Runner.
Andy: Yeah, though that’ll be the last time you compare those movies. (0:14)
Aaron: I hope they take him to a better movie.
Jackie: Take him to Firefly.
Oscar: The prouction makes this feel like a Nu-Metal music video. (0:14)
Jackie: I’m so ashamed of John Travolta right now. (0:19)
Jackie: Seven!
Oscar: So I guess that review meant great scene transition. Singular. (0:20)
Oscar: Sounds like the THX logo can’t get started. (0:21)
Andy: What?
Oscar: It sounds like Patton Oswalt intimidating an old person. (0:22)
Aaron: Eyebrows provided by…
Jackie: It’s as if someone shat on an episode of Next Generation. (0:23)
Oscar: It’s like they replaced all the commas with exclaimation points. (0:25)
Oscar: It’s the side of a van!
Aaron: It’s a Trapper Keeper!
Jackie: I think I had that one. (0:26)
Andy: We need to watch a good movie after this so I can give my hands a break. (0:26)
Aaron: At least they still have Surge. (0:27)
Aaron: It’s Chris Kattan?
Oscar: Is it Chris Kattan? It might be. (0:29)
Aaron: Legolas, no! (0:29)
Oscar: Is that Ubleck?
Stacey: Probably. (0:30)
Stacey: Transition!
Aaron: So what, nine and nine? (0:30)
Oscar: This feels like a Tek Jansen adventure. (0:33)
Oscar: This feels like watching a town meeting. Only with monsters.
Aaron: This is BATV with different costumes. (0:35)
Jackie: Wait, more slow motion.
Aaron: So eleven and eleven. (0:37)
Oscar: Hey, remember when there was a female character in this movie?
Jackie: Dude, even the geekiest Sci-Fi stuff has hot chicks. (0:38)
Aaron: Home office? Stop saying that. (0:40)
Oscar: I’d just like to point out that even the surveillance footage
Jackie: Wait, I’m confused. When can he and can’t he breathe?
Aaron: When it’s yellow, humans can breathe. When it’s blue they can’t.
Oscar: Humans can only breathe with the yellow filter on. (0:43)
Oscar: This movie is retarded! (0:44)
Aaron: Slo-mo!
Jackie: And a fade! (0:45)
Aaron: Fifteen. (0:46)
Aaron: Wow. Mavis Beacon teaches getting depressed.
Oscar: “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi.. you’re my only hope…”
Aaron: What a downer.
Oscar: “My god. It’s full of shit.” (0:48)
Aaron: “Let’s make this one smart, so it can revolt against us more.” (0:49)
Aaron: I get like this when I play video games. (0:51)
Oscar: Is this an elaborate square one episode?
Jackie: Why are they making him smarter?
Andy: I guess they were going to teach him to mine, and then taught him everything? (0:53)
Stacey: Wipe!
Jackie: Fifteen!
Aaron: Lady!
Oscar: Did the movie just start again? (0:53)
Oscar: Aaand.. we’re halfway through the movie. (0:58)
Andy: Slo-mo.
Aaron: Eighteen.
Oscar: They just panned away before one interesting thing happened. (1:03)
Jackie: 72 million dollars and they couldn’t show his head pop off?
Andy: What does scientology say about on-screen violence? (1:04)
Andy: He’s going to cut his braid off in shame. Like a samurai.
Aaron: Or like Oscar. (1:05)
Aaron: This is like that scene from Newsies.
Andy: Cary the banner!
Stacey: Wipe! (1:06)
Oscar: Do you think Scientologist punk chicks get that tattooed on their foreheads? (1:07)
Andy: I’d be happy if I never heard to words “vaporized” or “home office” ever again. (1:08)
Stacey: Another wipe!
Jackie: I think that’s eighteen.
Aaron: We’re tied. (1:09)
Jackie: Can they ever shoot anything straight.
Oscar: I think the camera angles was one of the things Webster warned me about when he gave it to me. (1:11)
Aaron: Wow. The year 3000 and this is the graphics we get. (1:11)
Oscar: Stop saying “Ratbrain!”
Aaron: I mean, I like Muesli. That doesn’t make me a Muesli-brain. (1:12)
Jackie: Did a 12-year old girl do his hair? (1:16)
Oscar: Stop saying “piece of cake!” (1:17)
Aaron: Wow. Good thing these 1000-year old planes work. (1:19)
Andy: Oh, I see. They’re going to blow up their planet.
Aaron: They’re going to blow up “home office.”
Stacey: They’ll teleport it like they teleport the gold.
Oscar: “You’re going to have a word with human resources!” (1:23)
Jackie: Twenty. We should make a drinking game out of this.
Andy: I never want to see this again.
Stacey: We should make the rules and then never do it. (1:27)
We’re practing saying “Two hours” like Travolta does. It’s kind of like To-wowers.
Aaron: The music from hook? (1:32)
Jackie: So is this “home office?”
Stacey: No, this is the local office.
Andy: Sort of a regional distribution center.
Stacey: Exactly. (1:32)
Jackie: We should watch Matrix Reloaded after this. It’ll look good.
Aaron: I don’t know. I don’t think I can stay awake for another t’ahrs! (1:33)J
Jackie: Wait, now those shoot bullets?
Stacey: Well, they were like laser bullet things.
Andy: Well, Stacey, a lot can change in t’ahrs! (1:36)
Jackie: Can they not show people dying? (1:36)
Aaron: Wow, look. Day-for-night-CGI. (1:38)
Oscar: So if I start talking like Teri for a day, how long before someone kicks my ass?
Aaron: T’ahrs! (1:41)
Jackie: So wait, it’s the year 3000 and they just use glass to keep the air in place? (1:43)
Andy: Hey they blew the dome! I don’t know what that means. (1:43)
Oscar: Is this the one version of the future where people haven’t created forcefields? (1:44)
Oscar: This feels about as well thought out as the wooden rabbit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (1:46)
Jackie: Just push the button. Push the… thank you. (1:48)
Stacey: Straigten that camera! Ugh! It’s painful!
Jackie: I’m getting seasick. (1:48)
Aaron: What happened to John Travolta? He only had his arm blown off.
Oscar: Did he teleport back to the planet? (1:49)
Jackie: Twenty-one! (1:49)
Travolta: What kind of crap-lousy game is this?
Aaron: What kind of crap lousy movie is this?
Jackie: Phrases like crap-lousy make me think they were trying to get it at a lower rating. (1:51)
Oscar: For a second I thought that said Rodger Corman, and for a second this whole thing made sense. (1:51)
Jackie: We need to hunt all of these people down. (1:52)
Oscar: James Holt! (1:52)
Aaron: Those are t’ahrs of my life I’m not getting back. 25 crap-lousy slo-mo sequences.
Stacey: It would have been much better if they had put much more emphasis on the mini-golf course. 1 More Disc for the Microwave.
Andy: I can’t believe any sensible human being would trust a religion drafted by the same guy that drafted this story. With endless options for renewal.
Jackie: This is movie is fucking retarded. 22 fucking wipes.
Oscar: Make no mistake. Everything all of us is saying about this is absolutely true, and yet I do agree that it’s a good thing that I own this. Not five cycles. Fifty cycles.
