Episode #15 - The Ice Pirates
Special guest - a very tired Aaron! He’s physically, emotionally, and mentally exhuasted. But, we love him just the same.
Oscar: “I got this as a Christmas present from our old roommate Dave a couple years ago. I have no idea what this is, and I don’t think Dave did, either.”
(earlier…when picking out a movie)
Jackie: Oscar, read us the description.
Oscar: *ahem* “… Have an Ice day.”
All: hahahahahaha. that’s it! let’s do it
(now on to the show!)
Oscar: Oh my God… (0:00)
Stacey: It’s a recycled Borg costume! (0:01)
Jackie: This is a cross between Star Wars and the Princess Bride. (0:01)
Stacey: He is trying waay to hard to do the robot. (0:01)
Oscar: Bruce Vilanch, what the fuck? (0:02)
Oscar: John Carradine!!! (0:02)
Stacey: Is this supposed to be a comedy?
Aaron: I don’t think this has the depth of comedy that we’re going to get out of it. (0:03)
Andy: What!? Edited by… oh, Tom Walls
Stacey: Andy saw Tom Waits…
Aaron: His one foray into editing. (0:04)
Aaron: This is like Space Police Academy!
Oscar: This is a Spaceballs knockoff! (0:05)
Gentle reader, you can just assume Andy and Oscar are making Star Wars references through this entire thing.
Andy: It’s like Firefly without the… good. (0:07)
Aaron: I want everything I say to be included in the quotes… feel her up! …are you kidding? He actually did it! So far so good. (0:07)
Stacey: Ah, because ice is slang for diamonds.
Andy: No, looks like ice is slang for ice.
Stacey: Oh, I know.
Andy: i hope this movie is why ice is slang for diamonds. (0:09)
Jackie: Are we supposed to care about these people?
Oscar: You can see the money this movie is losing. (0:10)
Aaron: The dialog is terrible. Good thing we can’t hear it because everyone is talking over everyone. (0:11)
Jackie: Wait, didn’t someone’s hand get chopped of?
Stacey: Yeah.
Jackie: Are we going to go back to that? (0:12)
Oscar: The costumes don’t even fit. Look at that. (0:12)
Aaron: They do a good job of making music sound like other music from better movies. (0:13)
Aaron: They have disco floors!
Oscar: It’s the prom from Prom Night! (0:14)
Aaron: Sure, they bicker now, but they’ll be in love by the end of the movie.
Andy: It’s like Han Solo and Princess Leia. Hey look! There’s Lando.
Aaron: I already called a character Lando, but that’s a better Lando. (0:17)
Jackie: Did you just see the styrofoam go flying? (0:19)
Aaron: Wait, did that Bee-Gee get killed? (0:21)
Aaron: Makes you wonder what happened to the water.
Stacey: We ate it!
Oscar: Somebody spilled it…
Jackie: … into space! (0:23)
In comes Matt! Hi, Matt!
Matt: Hey look, Obi-Wan is over here.
Aaron: That’s not the only Star Wars reference.
Matt: Oh wow - it’s Cloud City.
Aaron: So the premise is… there’s no water.
Matt: It’s Waterworld! (0:27)
Matt: What is this?
Aaron: They’re fully grown oompa-loompas! (0:27)
Oscar: So this is just a ripoff of the scene from History of the World, Part One?
Stacey: Oh yeah. (0:28)
Aaron: If I could only hear one sound for the rest of my life, it’d be slap bass. (0:30)
Jackie: What does this have to do with the earlier part of this movie? (0:31)
Andy: Vespa-tron! (0:33)
Andy: That police car is straight outta Carmageddon.
Oscar: Finally, a diginified look at space travel! (0:34)
Aaron: I like how the robot says R2 on it. They’re literally spelling this out for us!
Matt: I like how the robot says, “Mama.” (0:34)
Oscar: It’s kinda like Blues Brothers, except it makes you want to kill yourself. (0:34)
Aaron: I like as soon as I compare that robot to the one on Pee Wee’s Playhouse, it says “y’all wanna see some titties!?” (0:34)
Oscar: I wonder how long it will be before John Carridine shows up. (0:37)
Aaron: Dames, right? (0:38)
Aaron: You know how many disco balls they had to skin to make that outfit? (0:40)
Aaron: Hey an egg that came out of nowhere is hatching.
Andy: Cool - now we can rip off Alien!
Stacey: Did a little mouth just come out of that?
Oscar: Yeah. Like in that movie. Alien. (0:41)
Aaron: Heeey, remember Anjelica Houston?
Oscar: Hey yeah, where is she?
Jackie: She quit halfway through the movie. (0:42)
Andy: This is the Epic Movie of its time. (0:44)
Jackie: How much is left?
Oscar: About half.
Jackie: Are you serious? (0:44)
Oscar: Oh my god! I think that’s the midget from I Am Not A Freak! (0:46)
Oscar: There she is!
Aaron: She stopped by Mortal Kombat! (0:46)
Andy: Hey, if there’s not water, what’s in that beer, then?
Stacey: Air?
Andy: What’s 80% of these people?
Stacey: Beer?
Jackie: They seem to be doing pretty ok for not having water.
Oscar: And isn’t that steam?
Stacey: They also look pretty clean.
Andy: Think they’ve been showering. (0:50)
Aaron: … on the way to Burning Man… (0:52)
Oscar: They pass Buckaroo Bonsai driving into a mountain. (0:53)
Aaron: It’s Mad Max 2.
Oscar: It’s Dune.
Andy: It’s any number of movies that are far better than this movie. (0:54)
Jackie: Since when is the princess a hippie? (0:55)
Aaron: Fifty-five minutes in and they introduce time warps!? (0:55)
Andy: I think we’ve officially broken our record for longest post. (0:57)
Andy: Woah! Nice car.
Oscar: Remember the Mad Max movies? These people did. (0:59)
Jackie: He can’t be dead. He’s the lead character.
Aaron: Pleeeease be dead. (0:59)
Jackie: Wait, what?
Oscar: He got rescued by the editor. (1:00)
Stacey: So this is like a really really crappy prequil to Ghost World
Oscar: … Ghost World?
Stacey: No… Tank Girl! (1:02)
Stacey: It disassembled! It committed Robot Suicide!
Jackie: Robot Suicide would be a good name for a band.
Oscar: Robot Suicide would be a good name for anything.
Aaron: I’m going to make a dinner dish and call it Robot Suicide. (1:04)
Oscar: Isn’t that literally what happens in Alien? (1:06)
Jackie: She was nicer as a hippie.
Stacey: Her character changes entirely with the clothing. (1:07)
Jackie: This looks like old Star Trek.
Oscar: This is when the money ran out.
Aaron: This is totally shot on a soundstage.
Oscar: You can see the sagging curtain in the background! (1:07)
Andy: This king is faaabulous!
Oscar: Ah, here’s Bruce Vilanch. (1:10)
Stacey: Did she just get fondled!
Jackie: Oh, come on!
Oscar: “I never thought it would end like this. But I always really hoped.” (1:11)
Oscar: Meanwhile, at the Emerson Majestic Theatre. (1:12)
Andy: Those are extremely basic circuits on the screen. That’s the sort of stuff you’d use with an erector set to turn on a lightbulb. (1:13)
Oscar: Why in the world would you take Bruce Vilanch’s head with you if you know he can talk? (1:14)
Aaron: Summon a hollogram! Summon a hollogram! Yeah!! (1:15)
Jackie: What’s all this time travel? I thought this was about water?
Aaron: The water’s all trapped in time? (1:16)
Oscar: Aw, fucking button your shirt! (1:17)
Jackie: It’s a fucking holodeck!
Stacey: It’s a TV with a couch in front of it!
Andy: Hey, we got one of those!
Jackie: It’s the cover of a romance novel!
All: Uuuugghhh…
Aaron: Robot suuuiiiiciiideee!
Jackie: This is the least attractive sex scene ever!
Jason: I think I should take my saber off.
All: Nooooooooooo! (1:20)
Oscar: It’s Paul Ruebens!
Matt: “Y’all wanna see some titties?” (1:22)
Oscar: At least in the time warp the movie will move faster. (1:23)
Jackie: I think she’s pregnant.
Andy: They’re in a time warp - I think she actually is pregnant.
Oscar: Oh my god, I think you’re right. (1:24)
Aaron: Oh I see, this is going to be like the birth of Christ. (1:25)
Princess: Big surprise, daddy.
Oscar: Big surprise.
Jackie: That baby’s, like, six months old. (1:26)
Oscar: It’s Norman Bates’ mom! (1:27)
Oscar: I feel like this movie has lost momentum
Stacey: I feel like they should have had to eat by now.
Aaron: Funny how time is speeding up and all. (1:28)
Aaron: They really didn’t know how to wrap up this movie.
Oscar: It’s collapsing under its own weight. (1:29)
Aaron: Yeeeah! It’s not too late to have an abortion! (1:30)
Oscar: In the future we lost water and buttons. (1:30)
Oscar: I’m going to have to talk to Dave about this. (1:33)
Andy: Send him the bill.
Jackie: “This is for my therapy.” (1:33)
Andy: Please do not let the wacky reviews of those below me convince you in any way, shape, or form to actually watch this movie. I don’t care how much fun it looks like we’re having tearing this movie to shreds, it is not worth your time. Go play ball with you children. Go for a walk. Finish that novel you’ve been working on. Spend time with your parents. Just don’t, don’t, don’t see this movie. 1 Passion Storm.
Aaron: I look forward to a brigher tomorrow, when I can trust a pimp robot. 2 Solar-Powered Cars
Oscar: This is the movie your grandmother rents for you because you said you liked “Star Wars,” and you have to sit there and pretend to enjoy it. 2 Donkeys, 2 Baby Wild Boars.
Matt: I still wanna go to Burning Man. Ribbit, Ribbit.
Jackie: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. 30 Characters I Will Never Think About Again.
Stacey: In my future, there will be more explosions, and more water. 1 Flouridated Ice Brick.
