Episode #10 - The Aurora Encounter
Oscar: “Ok, so last year for my birthday my mom got me an awesome VHS documentary from the 80s called ‘I Am Not A Freak,’ detailing the lives of several individuals with various deformities. The last one was about a kid with Progeria, a rare genetic disease that hastens the aging process. The main focus of that segment was about how the kid got cast in an ET-knockoff in 80s, co-starring with grizzled prospector character actor Jack Elam. This… is that movie.”
Andy: MIDI harmonica. (0:00)
Aaron: God, he’s still talking? This is like listening to old people. You tune out and they just ramble.
Jackie: Dude, my grandfather is so much more intresting. (0:02)
Oscar: There he is! (0:05)
Andy: Sue Beth is a cunt!
Jackie: Sue Beth is gonna die, isn’t she?
Oscar: No, but we’re going to want her to. (0:07)
Oscar: There he is! (0:07)
Oscar: He looks like something out of the Dark Crystal
Andy: He sounds like something out of the Dar…oh! there’s the booze! (0:09)
Jackie: Is someone just mashing on a Casio?
Oscar: A cat’s walking over the keyboard. (0:11)
Oscar: She’s got a musical ass! (0:13)
Andy: Oh, here’s Sue Beth!
Oscar: Yep.
Andy: And a snake! Come on… snake! snake! snake!
Sue Beth hits snake with a rock from a distance.
Oscar: Jesus, Sue Beth!
Jackie: She’s got a mullet thing going on. (0:14)
Andy: Does he just drive that spaceship everywhere?
Oscar: Yeah, it’s a wonder no one’s seen him.
Stacey: Eh, it’s he west. Nobody’s looking. (0:16)
Oscar: Kitaro’s “Love Theme from the Aurora Encounter.” (0:18)
Jackie: Now it feels like video game music. It’s the “I’m in the village” music. (0:21)
Andy: The rest of the movie is just them playing checkers.
Oscar: You know what? This movie isn’t very good. (0:22)
Stacey: It’s halloween time!
Andy: Didn’t the jack-o-latern come about 100 years later?
Jackie: And the cutouts.
Oscar: That looks like construction paper to me… and written on with Sharpie. (0:25)
Stacey: Journey comes to town.
Jackie: That sounds like Teddy Ruxpin! (0:26)
Oscar: You shouldn’t have flashbacks before the half hour mark. (0:27)
Jackie: The wouldn’t have that visor either. That’s plastic.
Andy Maybe it’s glass.
Oscar: A stained glass hat?
Stacey: Maybe it’s a dyed leather?
Andy: Translucent dyed leather?
Jackie: From a translucent cow!
Stacey: Maybe it is glass.
Jackie: From a glass cow! (0:27)
Oscar: This fees like a western theme park. (0:30)
Jackie: This would be better if they just stuck to checkers. (0:34)
Oscar: Oh hey, it’s a movie about an alien featuring a flying bicycle. (0:36)
Oscar: Woah! That moustache! (0:39)
Andy: That is not a house that was built in this time period.
Jackie: Look at that machine-sewed comforter. (0:40)
Andy: The house has vinyl siding!
Oscar: They just told the location scout to find a ranch and he found a ranch-style house.
Stacey: It’s got asphalt shingles too. (0:42)
Andy: So, this is the late 1800s, in the real world they already had been working on airplanes in France and such, and the hot air balloon had been around for years and years! Why are they totally shocked with the concept of flight!?
Jackie: And also, if they hadn’t heard of flight - this woman just attaches wings to a bicycle, flies, and then they don’t talk about it? They just made an airplane!
Oscar: They just invented flight!! (0:45)
Jackie: Can we go to the tree house for tea? crumpets? secrets? aliens? throwing rocks? dolls? (0:49)
Oscar: There are a lot of cow skulls in this movie. (0:50)
Sue Beth: This is ridiculous!
Andy: You’re tellin’ me! (0:51)
Andy: Come on, you’ve broken so many historical conventions, just bust out a zippo, Sue Beth.
Jackie: What? What? Come on! (0:53)
Jackie: That skull is so unrealistc.
Stacey: Maybe it’s Progeria kid’s uncle’s skull.
Andy: Progeria kid has an uncle?
Stacey: He does now!
Andy: Wait, are you basing this on anything from the movie?
Oscar: Are we lead to believe that the aliens have been hear long enough to make an elaborate cave, have people live and die here, and have them decompose to become skeletons? (0:57)
Jackie: Day for night! Oh, wow. (0:58)
Oscar: Now it’s Zombies Ate My Neighbors music. (0:58)
Oscar: So, he’s rescuing them from the thing that he was doing?
Jackie: yyyesss. (1:01)
Oscar: You know, I was expecting this movie to be schmaltzy bad, but this is just incoherant-bad
Andy: And anachronistic bad!
Jackie: Yeah, this is not what I was expecting.
Stacey: Nah, this is just about what I expected.
Jackie: I was expecting fun bad, this is -
Stacey: -hillarious? (1:02)
Stacey: Hey, if the live action Batman can shoot Day-for-Night, so can the kid with Progeria!
Andy: The name of the movie isn’t “the kid with Progeria,” Stacey.
Stacey: It is now! (1:02)
Oscar: As much as I hate expository dialogue and hearing Sue Beth talk, I think I would have liked to hear that. (1:06)
Jackie: But she can’t use pliers! She’s a woman! (1:07)
Jacke: So what does her father dying have to do with any of this?
Andy: Nothing. Nothing at all. (1:10)
Oscar: The last 20 minutes are just people holding crystals up. (1:13)
Andy: So one crystal in a cave did it, but 14 people in public won’t make it work?
Oscar: Maybe he just doesn’t want to come. (1:14)
Andy: It’s the same special effects company that did Repo Man!
Oscar: Hail of ice cubes come next. (1:15)
Oscar: Why are there tire tracks on the road?!
Jackie: Oh, there were, weren’t there.
Oscar: Yeah, like, a lot of them. (1:17)
Andy: If the last fifteen minutes are like the mid section of Mars Attacks, then it will all be worth it.
Jackie: Aw, don’t get my hopes up. (1:18)
Andy: The sound just cut out!
Oscar: There wind, and then there wasn’t… (1:19)
Andy: That’s it? Texas Ranger just shoots this kid? (1:19)
Jackie: Can we please watch a good sci-fi movie after this? Please? (1:20)
Stacey: That was a very firey explosing for crashing into a water tower. (1:21)
Oscar: It is Repo Man! (1:25)
Jackie: I do want to see Jack Elam in other stuff. (1:26)
Jackie: Office manager?
Andy: Hey, don’t knock that. That’s probably the only credit I’ll ever get in a movie.
Jackie: The titles writer gets a credit?
Oscar: Well, I suppose he would. (1:29)
Oscar: When a movie’s saving grace is that it exploits a kid with a terminal genetic illness, you know it’s going to be bad. 59 Cow Skulls.
Stacey: Moral of the story: don’t shoot men from the moon. 1 Less Water Tower.
Andy: The actors were bad, the script was bad, the lighting was bad, even the continuity was bad. Hell, the history of the movie was bad. The costumes were bad. The sets were bad. The music was effing horrible. The credits were bad. Any thing that could have or did exist in the movie was bad. Except for Jack Elam. That man rocks my face. 1 Drunk, 1 Little Kid, 1 Widow.
Jackie: Oh god, can I have the past 90 minutes back? However, Jack Elam is amazing. 1 Moon Dog.
