We love movies. We love them far too much. We love them so much sometimes we buy them and don’t even get around to watching them. This summer, we plan to remedy that. We grabbed all the movies we own and haven’t seen, randomly selected them through a complicated "lay them on the floor and throw a clothespin" technique. Now we will watch, liveblog, reflect, and record our experience.
4 kids. 97 movies.
1 summer in search of the perfect wave. And by "wave" we mean campy cult film.
Andy: “The lovely and talented Amelia F. gave me this as a graduation gift. I really have no idea what it’s about, but I like all of those things.”
Jackie: What did that say? Oscar: Rated PG for “mild thematic elements.” Jackie: What does that mean? (0:00)
Stacey: Hey Oscar, what animal was that? Oscar: Naked mole rat. Andy: I like this movie already. (0:01)
Stacey: I wonder if elephants ever step on their own trunks… (0:02)
Andy: By the way, my nightmares now have a soundtrack. (0:03)
Jackie: I’ve always been profoundly creeped out by circuses. This isn’t helping… and hey, it’s shot like Battlefield Earth. (0:04)
Andy: Thing is, none of these are fast, cheap, or out of control. They’re more disciplined, studious, and meticulously crafted. (0:06)
Oscar: …so the guy who shot this has filmed me naked. (0:09)
Stacey: So… what’s this movie about again? Oscar: These four people, I guess. Stacey: Are they connected some how? Oscar: I guess we’ll see. Jackie: This isn’t very fast, cheap, and out of control. Andy: Right now I’m imagining a robotic topiary naked mole rat in the cirucs. (0:16)
We’re quietly enjoying this one.
Andy: …still don’t understand why they called this movie “Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control.” (0:33)
Jackie: This is… not boring… it’s strangely - kinda slow moving. Oscar: Yeah. I like it though. Andy: Me too. Jackie: I’m having a hard time putting them all together. Stacey: They’re all working on the human experience? Jackie: No - what about the topiary guy? Stacey: Oh yeah. Oscar: I guess they all study behavior? Jackie: The topiary dude? Oscar: I guess with the girl. Andy: Maybe they could call this movie “Quirky Jobs”? (0:39)
More quiet observation… lots of quiet observation.
Stacey: This thing… still isn’t fitting together, yet… (1:05)
Andy: I’m going to try a serious review here. I see this movie as a story about custodianship - each of these people were responsible for taking care of something, and we saw their obesssion and love portrayed whether it be topiary or naked mole rats. In the end, the balance of humanity and these peculiar others did make for a nice story, even if it didn’t tie together for me until the end of the movie I still have no idea why they called this movie what they called it. It makes little sense, and takes away from the film. 1 Wristwatch.
Oscar: Honestly, I’m enough of a sucker for this kind of thing that it didn’t need to tie up at all for me. I can listen to unusual people talking about unusual things all day, and anything involving naked mole rats is automatically an excellent thing. 100 1-Kilogram Robots
Jackie: While I enjoyed each person’s individual story, I don’t feel they were connected enough to constitue one documentary. Also, the clips of old movies seemed mostly disconnected from the interviews. I might have enjoyed it more were I not totally exhausted. 1 Very Zen Bowel Movement.
Stacey: Naked mole rats - cool. Topiary - need to look at. Robots - lot of fun. Lion tamers - kind of interesting. Why? 15 or 20 naked mole rat babies.
Jackie: “As with the Exorcist, I found this lying around my office with some other DVDs and a whole bunch of CDs. Apparently my boss had been cleaning out his DVD and CD collection, and these were up for grabs.”
Jackie: So is this the second or the third one? Oscar: This is the second. Jackie: Oh… oh my gosh it’s awful already! This is exactly what we thought it would be. (0:01)
Andy: I’ll give this movie one thing. It doesn’t trouble us with exposition. (0:02)
Oscar: “Woah.” Andy: We’re going to do that a lot, aren’t we? (0:03)
Oscar: Andy, have you seen this? Andy: Yeah. I think I saw this twice in the theater… Jackie: What?! Really? Andy: Yeah, I saw it with two different groups of people. Jackie: I just lost some respect for you. Andy: What? Fuck you! I don’t own this movie. Jackie: Yeah, but I didn’t pay for it. (0:05)
Jackie: Why are they all wearing sunglasses? Oscar: So they can, so they can see the visions in their mind. (0:06)
Jackie: Are they in the Matrix or not? (0:10)
Andy: Now, who supervised the stunts in this? Wasn’t it the guy from Crouching Tiger and Hero? Oscar: Yeah - Yuen Woo-Ping. He also did Drunken Wu-Tang. Andy: Aw, awesome. (0:11)
Oscar: It’s Iron Monger! (0:13)
Oscar: You know, I’m not saying this entirely to be a smart ass, but this movie would be a lot better if they just got rid of the dialogue entirely. Jackie: Yeah, I mean… it has really good special effects. You could combine this movie with the plot of Battlefield Earth and have a hell of a movie. Andy: Or just… hell. (0:15)
Oscar: This is pretty funny if you imagine Morpheous as Cowboy Curtis. (0:17)
Oscar: Andy Rooney? (0:18)
Jackie: This all feels like a Star Trek parody. Oscar: This feels like Star Trek fan fiction. (0:19)
Andy: Woah, hang on. Stacey: He pulled himself up there… Andy: No no no - look who it is. Jackie: Woah! Oscar: Awesome! Andy: Man, Zoe gets on a much cooler ship with Serenity later. (0:22)
Jackie: Are we in Middle Earth now? (0:24)
Oscar: “Caaaan you diiiig iiiiitttt!!!?!?!???” (0:24)
Oscar: Oh man, they got Stomp to play! Andy: “Zub zub, me say zub zub…” Oscar: Meanwhile at Woodstock ‘99 (0:27)
Jackie: Is this a rave now? Stacey: Yes, yes it is. (0:28) Andy: There’s a lot of E in Zion. Stacey: They just pump it into the atmosphere. (0:29)
Andy: So, in the future… robots are going come after us, so in defense we’ll throw a massive orgy. Stacey: There’s a drone for every person. “Quick! Make more!” (0:30)
Oscar: “Woah.” (0:31)
Jackie: Oh come on. “It’s a rainbow!” (0:32)
Jackie: He kinda looks like a Klingon, doesn’t he? Not Keanu - the other one. (0:36)
Jackie: Home office. (0:37)
Oscar: There’s probably a Riff Trax for this, too. Jackie: Oh man, there probably is. (0:37)
Andy: Alright, I’ve been avoiding asking this the whole time: How long is this movie? Oscar: Let’s see… oooh. 138 minutes. (0:38)
Oscar: Has Carrie-Ann Moss ever played a junkie, or is it that I just think she looks like one? (0:42)
Andy: 138 minutes, huh? Oscar: Yup. (0:45)
Oscar: uuuuuughhh… Andy: Remember those hot-shot college Freshman that though they were waaay deep because they were thinking for the first time in their god-damn lives? Was this written by them? Jackie: Ugh, what the frig? (0:46)
Jackie: This was written by someone who took Philosophy 101 and dropped it two weeks in. (0:49)
Jackie: Who is Agent Smith? I always thought he was good as this role. Oscar: He also played Elrond in the Lord of the Rings. Andy: He’s… Hugo Weaving. Oh man, he was the voice of Megatron in the new Transformers movie! All: Awesome! (0:50)
Andy: This is my favorite scene. Just fighting a bunch of the same guy. Jackie: It looks like a fight amongst the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. (0:54)
Andy: Yeah, this is the best scene in the movie. Sorry, guys. It’s downhill from here. Jackie: Yeah, if this movie were all action it’d be good. Oscar: One long fight scene. (0:59)
Oscar: Where did she get that hat!? It’s the robot apocalypse. (1:00)
Oscar: This is like watching CSPAN. (1:02)
Andy: So this guy’s claim to fame is that he made date-rape chocolate cake? (1:08)
Jackie: That is the worst thing that I have ever seen! Come on! Did he make a program that would give a woman an orgasm by eating cake? Oscar: Yeah. (1:10)
Andy: By the way, Keanu Reeves wrote this scene. Little known fact. (1:12)
Stacey: He just used the Force! (1:18)
Andy: By the way, guys: one hour left in the movie! Jackie: Are you serious? Andy: Yup. (1:38)
Oscar: This scene could use a Wilhelm scream. Andy: In slow motion. (1:19)
Andy: Really this whole movie is a metaphor for badware. (1:20)
Oh hey, it’s Aaron!
Aaron: “Hello, operator, please give me number 9!” (1:23)
We’re catching up on the finer points of how bad this movie is in general. Nothing quotable.
Aaron: “You can’t stop me, you punk-ass bitch!” Andy: Boy, look at that Chrysler. Oscar: I wanna buy me a car that gets that many bulletts. (1:30)
Andy: “Woah.” (1:31)
Aaron: Meanwhile, in Star Wars. (1:37)
Andy: Meanwhile, in a David Lynch film. (1:38)
Aaron: “Tonight is going to last… two movies.” (1:42)
Oscar: You know, this movie encourages skitzophrenics to go on killing sprees. (1:45)
Aaron: “Woah.” (1:49)
We’re all quietly watching the end of the movie.
Stacey: Cool pen. (1:55)
Jackie: This scene is so boring. (1:56)
Aaron: “Katamari Damacy…” (1:59)
Andy: Oh man, never has Rage Against the Machine felt so impotent. (2:07)
Stacey: Does this mean there are 10 minutes of credits? Oscar: Yes. (2:07)
Aaron: I always try and pretend like the second two movies weren’t made. Kind of like Lord of the Rings. Except not. (2:08)
Andy: I am conflicted. The movie went by fast when people were fighting, but incredibly slow when anything was happening that wasn’t fighting. I at once want to see the original Matrix again, and never want to endorse any Matrix-related product for the rest of my life. Some may call this a glitch in my Matrix consumption; I’m just deleting the whole damn thing. Woah.
Aaron: Woah-y woah woah woah! There must be a lot of gods out there, to have so many acts of it. A 30-meter Chrysler Star
Oscar: I stand by my assertion that there’s a really good silent film hidden inside of this. Watching this movie is like watching the shitty YouTube remakes of George Melies’ A Trip to the Moon, where some internet douche has replaced the soundtrack with Prodigy, and has him reading the Desiderata. 1 Bagillion Elrons.
Stacey: I enjoyed this movie for the reasons my mother likes Lethal Weapon. Action and the right people without their clothes on. 2 Ghosts.
Jackie: Not as bad as I expected, but still bad. I agree with Oscar - if there were no dialogue it would an okay movie. Too Many Fucking Pairs of Sunglasses
Stacey: “Joint gift from Oscar and Andy. Not sure why I haven’t seen it. Probably should have, with how many times it’s shown at Coolidge and whatnot. Oh well. Time to fix it now.”
Andy: This movie didn’t have a title sequence, did it? Just went right into it. (0:02)
Jackie: Wow. It’s a good thing we’re not epileptic. Oscar: That’s kind of a general good statement. It’s a daily affirmation. (0:02)
All: “Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey.” (0:03)
Jackie: Eric Idle?! Oscar: The cast of this is ridiculous… Stacey: Judd Nelson… Leonard Nimoi. Oscar: And Orson Welles in his final film role! Jackie: Orson Welles is in this movie. (0:04)
Andy: Oh man… Soundwave. Soundwave is my favorite transformer. I’m so glad he’s in this. Oscar: You know he’s in the new one, too. Andy: Does he still play cassettes? Oscar: I think he plays CDs. Andy: That sucks. I’m not interested. (0:07)
Jackie: They destroyed Home Office! (0:08)
Jackie: Gravity-defying child! (0:09)
Stacey: Garfield used that jet-scream song. (0:11)
Oscar: This wouldn’t be the song I’d play here. Jackie: Yeah. Andy: I feel like that’s not the only time we are going to say that. (0:12)
Oscar: I’m glad the one transformer I had as a kid is voiced by the Micro Machines guy. (0:12)
Jackie: I love the one female one. Andy: That’s tiny compared to the other ones. Oscar: Yeah, and why would they give her breasts? Nichole: Why not? Jackie: She’s got a metal bikini. Oscar: This movie has a David Cronenberg sense of sexuality. (0:13)
Andy: Yeah! Mix tape attack! (0:15)
Jackie: How could they do a new one? It’d lose all of its 80s charm. Oscar: It’s bad. (0:16)
Oscar: So there was, what, one year between this and the Breakfast Club for Judd Nelson? (0:17)
Jackie: So is this a movie based on action figures. Oscar: It’s a movie based on a TV show based on action figures. (0:18)
Andy: This movie has a market capitalization on the letter “O.” (0:19)
Oscar: Oh man, it’s this song. Oscar & Andy: “You’ve got the touch! You’ve got the poooower! (0:20)
Jackie: What is with the upbeat Journey-knockoff songs during the fight scenes? (0:21)
Andy: Yeah Soundwave! Love that bot. (0:23)
Nichole: Wow, we’re only 24 minutes in. Andy: So much more happened here than in 21 Grams. (0:24)
Jackie: How can it die? It’s a robot! Just fix it! (0:25)
Andy: The Matrix? (0:25)
Jackie: Do they address the facts that they have souls in crystals in their chests? Oscar: No. (0:25)
Oscar: What are these measuring? Andy: Heartrate? Oscar: What heart? Andy: Sean-Penn-ness? (0:26)
Jackie: Woah, it’s a Trapper Keeper. (0:27)
Andy: Yeah, Soundwave! You tell him! Oscar: It’s a union metaphor. (0:28)
Jackie: So this is Orson Welles talking right now? Oscar: Yeah. And I think that’s Leonard Nimoi. (0:32)
Andy: We should watch the Matrix: Reloaded after this. Oscar: The Matrix of Leadership Reloaded. (0:34)
Jackie: Does that planet have horns? Oscar: Yeah, it’s kind of like the Death Star meets Galactus… I can feel the acne popping out now. (0:35)
Nichole: Woah, they swore. Oscar: Yeah, probably to get a PG rating. (0:37)
Stacey: Woah, they’re shooting flames. Jackie: Not so much flames as marinara sauce. (0:39)
Jackie: Wait, what did he say? Oscar: “Tell me again about the petro-rabbits.” Which means that someone throgh a Faulkner reference into Tranformers: The Movie. (0:40)
Oscar: “Never tell me the odds!” Andy: I was just about to say that. (0:45)
Oscar: Someone designed robot seaweed. Andy: Maybe the robots designed robot seaweed. “Do Robot Fish Dream of Electric Seaweed?” (0:45)
Andy: Man, I so want a robot squid. (0:46)
Oscar: A man-animal in an exo-suit!? (0:48)
Jackie: Is that Eric Idle? Oscar: Yeah. Jackie: With an evil robot moustache. Andy: Fu Man-Python Oscar: Fu Man-Tron. (0:49)
Oscar: You know, it takes a lot to convince me to not ride with a bunch of robot dinosaurs… (0:55)
Jackie: That’s got to be uncomfortable. Andy: Yeah, and motion-sickness inducing. Nichole: This movie is motion-sickness inducing. (0:58)
Jackie: Okay, they just drove down into water. How does that work? (0:59)
Andy: Yeah Weird Al! But why sing just this line? Jackie: Why is he on here again? Oscar: I heard he was the biggest act on the label that did the soundtrack. (1:03)
Jackie: I wouldn’t fuck with someone that has his own gravitational pull. (1:08)
Oscar: So, a flying robot triceritops that breathes fire… in space? Jackie: Flying into a giant tranformed robot. Oscar: That transformed into a viking. (1:13)
Stacey: Hit and run! Andy: “Did anyone get the license plate on that robot?” (1:15)
Jackie: Dude, how do you strangle a robot? (1:15)
Oscar: “Might as well jump!” (1:19)
Andy: This movie’s a classic, but it needed a lot more Soundwave. A Little Energon and a Lot of Luck.
Nichole: This is the most uplifting movie I’ve seen all night. 1 Shit.
Oscar: Like many people who watch this now, it filled me with great notalgia for when I saw this three times in two weeks in the theatre. Unlike most of those people, that time was two years ago. 5 Retarded Robot Dinosaurs.
Stacey: Would be really cool in 3-D. Just 1 Female Robot
Jackie: A vast improvement over the previous movie we watched. Also I dig the cassette tape robots. 1 Song
Andy: “As with One Hour Photo, I got this as part of a hookup I gave a dude at Anonymous Filmworks. I really don’t know anything about this movie, and the one thing Oscar thought this movie was about is actually wrong. Should be fun.”
Stacey: It passes the 30 second challenge. Oscar: It could be on Telemundo! (0:00)
Andy: Man, Sean Penn mumbles even in his internal dialogue. Jackie: Seriously. (0:05)
Andy: This is a movie, yeah? Things should be occurring. Stacey: You’d think. (0:09)
Oscar: He looks like Jim Henson. Jackie: Yeah. Or a Muppet. (0:11)
Andy: By the way, settle in, guys. It’s 124 minutes long. Oscar: Why, that’s over t’ahrs! (0:12)
We’re pretty quiet. I think we’re trying to figure out what’s going on.
Andy: Just to be clear… we’re about to watch Sean Penn… masturbate… wearing a respirator. Oscar: I feel like that’s what we’ve been watching. (0:29)
Jackie: This is unbelievably depressing. (0:44)
We’re spending some time aligning the timeline of the movie. We have many theories.
…aand still watching without talking.
…aand still debating the finer points of the movie.
Andy: Woops. The foley artist fell asleep at the organ. (1:14)
Nichole: Here comes the “21 grams…” I can feel it. (1:15)
Andy: Alright, this movie has 30 minutes to make sense. Stacey: I don’t think it’s going to make it. Andy: I just want a clear understanding of the time line. Stacey: You may not get that. (1:28)
Andy: (imitating the soundtrack) ooooooooooooooooommmmm Stacey: It’s like they had a microphone… Oscar: …and a wine glass. Jackie: “Okay, we have $10. We need a soundtrack.” Andy: I shouldn’t knock it. I listen to a lot of music like this. Jackie: Yeah, but you don’t just listen to the same track over and over again. (1:34)
Jackie: (opens mouth) (1:37)
Andy: …so, Matrix Reloaded after this? (1:40)
Jackie: He’s going to kill himself with a butter knife? Andy: A heated butter knife. Stacey: He’s just going to cut butter. It’ll be really easy. (1:44)
We think we’ve pieced it together
Nichole: We should take another picture of me with the movie. Only this time I’m not smiling. (1:59)
Andy: Hey, this is the most melodic motion the soundtrack has had this entire time. Jackie: Yeah. Andy: Wait, is this Dave Matthews? Oscar: Yeah. Andy: Aw, fuck. (2:04)
Andy: I’m going to sell this movie. It’s way too depressing to watch when you’re sad, and when you’re happy, this movie would totally end that. I can’t think of a mood where I’d want to watch this again, so I probably never will. 5 Nickles.
Oscar: The structure was kinda neat, I guess, but I’ve never had much use for this kind of movie. It reminds me of all the kids I couldn’t stand in film school. 2 Hearts that Hate Sean Penn
Stacey: I’d rather drink a flask of vinegar then watch this movie again. (shakes flask of vinegar) 1 Jesus Truck
Jackie: This movie feels like jumping off the Prudential building, and landing in a manhole full of shit, with an accordion player playing one note on the street above you. 4-5 Dead Characters.
Nichole: The walls came crashing down around us. There was nothing we could do. R, for regret.
Oscar: “Ok. My good friend Webster got this for me as a Christmas present in high school. He figured, and I agree, that it’s probably something I should own. However, I have never gone so far as to watch the damn thing. And that’s all. *Nods*”
Aaron: Maybe we’ll luck out and the movie will be nothing like the cover. Stacey: And the chapter shots. (0:00)
Jackie: So this bankrupted the company, eh? (0:01)
Oscar: The scrawl is just going through the whole movie. Aaron: C’mon Lord of the Rights… C’mon Waterworld. (0:02)
Aaron: Well, 1000 years from now and they still have dreadlocks. Stacey: Not even dreadlocks. Braids. (0:03)
All: Woah! Great scene transition! Aaron: Best since Star Wars. (0:04)
Oscar: It feels like Mr. Show sketch. Jackie: It really does. Aaron: If this is a Mr. Show sketch, it’s done in really poor taste. (0:05)
Oscar: These are remarkably well shaved cavemen. (0:06)
Andy: I’m glad this guy found the stock effects in Avid. Oscar: These are like cable access transition. (0:08)
Aaron: Okay, this is the fourth slow motion shot. (0:07)
Stacey: It’s a mini golf course! (0:07)
Aaron: I hope the rest of the movie is a nostril-flare-off like this. (0:08)
Stacey: I was right!! (0:08)
Oscar: Oh my god! Every scene! Jackie: That’s the third bad transition. Aaron: I’ll count the slow-mos if you count the transitions. (0:10)
Stacey: This is a new slow-mo. Aaron: Seven… eight… should I keep counting? Jackie: I’m not sure you can. The whole movie might be like this. Aaron: I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. Seven. Andy: So was that eight? (0:13)
Oscar: This is like the one replicant death in Blade Runner. Andy: Yeah, though that’ll be the last time you compare those movies. (0:14)
Aaron: I hope they take him to a better movie. Jackie: Take him to Firefly. Oscar: The prouction makes this feel like a Nu-Metal music video. (0:14)
Jackie: I’m so ashamed of John Travolta right now. (0:19)
Jackie: Seven! Oscar: So I guess that review meant great scene transition. Singular. (0:20)
Oscar: Sounds like the THX logo can’t get started. (0:21)
Andy: What? Oscar: It sounds like Patton Oswalt intimidating an old person. (0:22)
Aaron: Eyebrows provided by… Jackie: It’s as if someone shat on an episode of Next Generation. (0:23)
Oscar: It’s like they replaced all the commas with exclaimation points. (0:25)
Oscar: It’s the side of a van! Aaron: It’s a Trapper Keeper! Jackie: I think I had that one. (0:26)
Andy: We need to watch a good movie after this so I can give my hands a break. (0:26)
Aaron: At least they still have Surge. (0:27)
Aaron: It’s Chris Kattan? Oscar: Is it Chris Kattan? It might be. (0:29)
Aaron: Legolas, no! (0:29)
Oscar: Is that Ubleck? Stacey: Probably. (0:30)
Stacey: Transition! Aaron: So what, nine and nine? (0:30)
Oscar: This feels like a Tek Jansen adventure. (0:33)
Oscar: This feels like watching a town meeting. Only with monsters. Aaron: This is BATV with different costumes. (0:35)
Jackie: Wait, more slow motion. Aaron: So eleven and eleven. (0:37)
Oscar: Hey, remember when there was a female character in this movie? Jackie: Dude, even the geekiest Sci-Fi stuff has hot chicks. (0:38)
Aaron: Home office? Stop saying that. (0:40)
Oscar: I’d just like to point out that even the surveillance footage
Jackie: Wait, I’m confused. When can he and can’t he breathe? Aaron: When it’s yellow, humans can breathe. When it’s blue they can’t. Oscar: Humans can only breathe with the yellow filter on. (0:43)
Oscar: This movie is retarded! (0:44)
Aaron: Slo-mo! Jackie: And a fade! (0:45)
Aaron: Fifteen. (0:46)
Aaron: Wow. Mavis Beacon teaches getting depressed. Oscar: “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi.. you’re my only hope…” Aaron: What a downer. Oscar: “My god. It’s full of shit.” (0:48)
Aaron: “Let’s make this one smart, so it can revolt against us more.” (0:49)
Aaron: I get like this when I play video games. (0:51)
Oscar: Is this an elaborate square one episode? Jackie: Why are they making him smarter? Andy: I guess they were going to teach him to mine, and then taught him everything? (0:53)
Stacey: Wipe! Jackie: Fifteen! Aaron: Lady! Oscar: Did the movie just start again? (0:53)
Oscar: Aaand.. we’re halfway through the movie. (0:58)
Andy: Slo-mo. Aaron: Eighteen. Oscar: They just panned away before one interesting thing happened. (1:03)
Jackie: 72 million dollars and they couldn’t show his head pop off? Andy: What does scientology say about on-screen violence? (1:04)
Andy: He’s going to cut his braid off in shame. Like a samurai. Aaron: Or like Oscar. (1:05)
Aaron: This is like that scene from Newsies. Andy: Cary the banner! Stacey: Wipe! (1:06)
Oscar: Do you think Scientologist punk chicks get that tattooed on their foreheads? (1:07)
Andy: I’d be happy if I never heard to words “vaporized” or “home office” ever again. (1:08)
Stacey: Another wipe! Jackie: I think that’s eighteen. Aaron: We’re tied. (1:09)
Jackie: Can they ever shoot anything straight. Oscar: I think the camera angles was one of the things Webster warned me about when he gave it to me. (1:11)
Aaron: Wow. The year 3000 and this is the graphics we get. (1:11)
Oscar: Stop saying “Ratbrain!” Aaron: I mean, I like Muesli. That doesn’t make me a Muesli-brain. (1:12)
Jackie: Did a 12-year old girl do his hair? (1:16)
Oscar: Stop saying “piece of cake!” (1:17)
Aaron: Wow. Good thing these 1000-year old planes work. (1:19)
Andy: Oh, I see. They’re going to blow up their planet. Aaron: They’re going to blow up “home office.” Stacey: They’ll teleport it like they teleport the gold. Oscar: “You’re going to have a word with human resources!” (1:23)
Jackie: Twenty. We should make a drinking game out of this. Andy: I never want to see this again. Stacey: We should make the rules and then never do it. (1:27)
We’re practing saying “Two hours” like Travolta does. It’s kind of like To-wowers.
Aaron: The music from hook? (1:32)
Jackie: So is this “home office?” Stacey: No, this is the local office. Andy: Sort of a regional distribution center. Stacey: Exactly. (1:32)
Jackie: We should watch Matrix Reloaded after this. It’ll look good.
Aaron: I don’t know. I don’t think I can stay awake for another t’ahrs! (1:33)J
Jackie: Wait, now those shoot bullets? Stacey: Well, they were like laser bullet things. Andy: Well, Stacey, a lot can change in t’ahrs! (1:36)
Jackie: Can they not show people dying? (1:36)
Aaron: Wow, look. Day-for-night-CGI. (1:38)
Oscar: So if I start talking like Teri for a day, how long before someone kicks my ass? Aaron: T’ahrs! (1:41)
Jackie: So wait, it’s the year 3000 and they just use glass to keep the air in place? (1:43)
Andy: Hey they blew the dome! I don’t know what that means. (1:43)
Oscar: Is this the one version of the future where people haven’t created forcefields? (1:44)
Oscar: This feels about as well thought out as the wooden rabbit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (1:46)
Jackie: Just push the button. Push the… thank you. (1:48)
Aaron: What happened to John Travolta? He only had his arm blown off. Oscar: Did he teleport back to the planet? (1:49)
Jackie: Twenty-one! (1:49)
Travolta: What kind of crap-lousy game is this? Aaron: What kind of crap lousy movie is this? Jackie: Phrases like crap-lousy make me think they were trying to get it at a lower rating. (1:51)
Oscar: For a second I thought that said Rodger Corman, and for a second this whole thing made sense. (1:51)
Jackie: We need to hunt all of these people down. (1:52)
Oscar: James Holt! (1:52)
Aaron: Those are t’ahrs of my life I’m not getting back. 25 crap-lousy slo-mo sequences.
Stacey: It would have been much better if they had put much more emphasis on the mini-golf course. 1 More Disc for the Microwave.
Andy: I can’t believe any sensible human being would trust a religion drafted by the same guy that drafted this story. With endless options for renewal.
Jackie: This is movie is fucking retarded. 22 fucking wipes.
Oscar: Make no mistake. Everything all of us is saying about this is absolutely true, and yet I do agree that it’s a good thing that I own this. Not five cycles. Fifty cycles.
Andy: “Oscar introduced me a week or so ago to CEX, a British chain of used DVD, CD, and electronics store. I realized that, while I have seen the part of the new Italian Job that takes place in my old dorm, I have yet to see either one. Ergo, I decided to start with the good one.”
Andy: The name’s Job. Italian Job. (0:00)
Oscar: Woah. Music by Quincy Jones. (0:02)
Andy: Man, roads are better in Europe. Stacey: Yeah, if you drift here you fall right down a cliff. Andy: Yeah… I like it. (0:03)
Jackie: What? Oscar: I guess that guy wasn’t our hero. (0:04)
Andy: Woah. Michael Caine is so young… (0:05)
Oscar: Tonight has just been full of fantastic hats. (0:07)
Andy: Woah, Caine has been in 134 movies and shows. He had already done nearly 50 before doing this. Oscar: Yeah, my dad once called him the Christopher Lloyd of his time. (0:10)
Andy: It’s like the room in 99 34/100% Dead! (0:12)
Oscar: I’m pretty sure this movie is a big part of the reason why he was cast as Austin Powers’ dad. (0:14)
Oscar: Man, Michael Caine is annoying to watch movies with. (0:16)
Jackie: Looks like the… Andy: The One Hour Photo room. (0:24)
Oscar: I want Michael Caine’s apartment. (0:25)
Andy: You can tell they’re the law. They’ve got white ascots. (0:26)
Andy: Man, I so want to be on Michael Caine’s team. (0:33)
Andy: Wait, is Mr. Bridger a prisoner? Oscar: I think he’s the warden? Or maybe he is… Andy: He is. He’s a mafia boss. (0:36)
Andy: Man, I want to be on the ship “Free Enterprise 1” with Michael Caine. (0:43)
Oscar: They’re just waiting for Bonnie & Clyde. (0:44)
Andy: I bet this was more intimidating in the script. Oscar: He’s going to sell it to Franz now! (0:47)
Jackie: zzz… (0:50)
Oscar: Now that bike is a pipe bomb. (0:50)
Andy: Man, you could do this all on a flash drive now. (0:52)
Oscar: This movie’s pretty intensely British. Andy: Yeah, what with the Rule Britannia and such. (0:57)
Andy: I think I would have fired Arthur. I don’t think he would have made the team. (1:09)
Andy: Stacey, awake? Silence. Andy: Jackie, awake? Silence. Andy: Guess it’s just you and me now, Oscar. Oscar: Alright. (1:14)
Andy: I really don’t understand how Cooper doesn’t use this for every one of their car commercials. Also, I like how they’re red, white, and blue. (1:17)
Oscar: Well, they all seem pretty non-chalant about it. Andy: They’re Italians! Ciao! (1:19)
Andy: There have been, like, no guns fired. In this whole movie. (1:20)
Andy: I think Michael Caine needs to listen to more of the “Self Preservation Society.” (1:37)
Andy: Really? The movie ends like that? Stacey: Yup.
Stacey: Mini Coopers look like fun. Everyone should try one.1 Shitload of Gold.
Oscar: I’d really like to spend a day hanging out with Michael Caine, provided we don’t take the bus. 2 Obese Prostitutes.
Andy: I can’t say for sure, but I’m almost certain the British treat this movie the same way we treat Top Gun. 3 Mini Coopers - Red, White, and Blue.
Andy: “I can think of no better followup to Bande á Part than Bonnie & Clyde. This is actually my brother in law’s copy, but it’s been in my posession for over 3 years, and you know what they say about 9/10ths of the law. I’ve seen clips in class way back in high school, but never caught this one in its enitrety.”
Andy: This is a true story, yeah? Oscar: Yeah. (0:00)
Jackie: Evans Evans? (0:00)
Andy: This is the double feature of great fedoras. (0:05)
Andy: I remember Becky trying to explain this scene to the class. Jackie: That must have been fun. (0:07)
Andy: I think I saw that clip in Scene It. I think you won. Oscar: Yeah, that sounds about right. (0:11)
Jackie’s on a crusade to figure out what cartoon “Bunny & Clyde” is from.
Andy: I wonder if the entire movie just has the one song they keep playing. (0:21)
Stacey: Pepsi and Coke in the same shot. Andy: Before the great cola wars. (0:23)
Andy: Rumble seat! Jackie: Awesome! That’s great. I want that car. (0:24)
Andy: Hey Oscar? Oscar: Yeah? Andy: We’re not these two guys. Oscar: Yeah. (0:37)
Andy: Man, Bonnie is stir crazy. “Come on, Clyde. It’s not Bonnie & Clyde & Clyde’s brother & his family…” (0:43)
Jackie: Wow. 6 dollars for two bags of groceries. Can I live then? (0:43)
Stacey: She’s got a spatula! All: “It’s Rosie, the nooooosy neighhhhbooooor.” (0:45)
Jackie: Stacey, if we’re even in a gunfight, I promise not to run around going “Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” (0:46)
Andy: They stole a newspaper! My god! These people know no shame! (0:49)
Andy: You know, that was kind of cruel, what with the handcuffs and putting him in a boat and just letting him drift. (0:56)
Andy: Heyhey! There he is! Gene Wilder! Jackie: Wow he’s so young. Looks the same though. Sounds the same, too. (1:01)
Stacey: Step on it, Velma. (1:03)
Andy: Gene Wilder is stealing the show right now. (1:05)
Jackie: What? Stacey: He’s an undertaker. Andy: It’s bad luck. Stacey: You know, to ride with an undertaker. Jackie: Um, ok. (1:08)
Andy: They are so dead… they also kinda look related. Jackie: Yeah, they do. (1:18)
All: Woah. (1:22)
Jackie: She’s just noticing that she got shot in the eye now? That took her, like, ten minutes to notice. (1:23)
Andy: Man, this must be a real popular song. Oscar: “Damn, I can’t get this tape out of the deck…” (1:28)
Andy: Oh, hey, it’s CW’s dad. And the Ranger Stacey: At the ice cream parlor. Andy: Getting… Chinese takeout? (1:41)
Andy: “I’m a whole damn town!!” (1:42)
Oscar: He’s like the scientist in Repo Man now. (1:46)
Awestruck silence for the last 10 minutes or so.
Andy: …the end credits that weren’t there. Stacey: It’s probably exit theatre music.
Andy: …and so Mama said, “Whatever you do, don’t sell that cow!” 1 Song.
Stacey: It’s amazing how willing the average… I don’t know if it’s person or character in this movie… is willing to join a gang that they know is wanted, and will probably get killed for it. 3 Cars Riddled With Holes.
Jackie: Morticians are bad luck. 1 Banjo.
Oscar: This movie is the reason I will never stop to help someone with a flat tire. 0 Percentage in Being a Loverboy.
Andy: “I got this as part of a B&N DVD sale, the same day as ‘Night On Earth.’ I really just got it because Tarantino takes his production company name from the French title of this film, ‘Bande á Part.’ Also, Criterion, motherfucker.”
All: singing the Indiana Jones theme
Andy: I hope the whole movie’s like this. Oscar: Knowing Godard, I wouldn’t be surprised. (0:01)
Jackie: It’s cold and foresaken here? (0:05)
Andy: Invisibl gun! I has one! Oscar: Woopwoopwoopwoop. Aaron: “Arthur, shouldn’t we be babysitting your sister, DW?” (0:07)
Andy: Sidewalk laws were different back then. Stacey: “Where we’re going, we don’t need… roads.” (0:08)
Andy: I wonder if Shakespeare in French is in iambic pentameter… that’d be really hard. Oscar: Now, this isn’t foreshadowing, ya think? (0:14)
Jackie: Stick it up your nose! (0:16)
Andy: He kinda looks like Webster. Oscar: Yeah, he does! With a haircut… (0:18)
Jackie: What is with people molesting everyone? Oscar: It’s France! (0:24)
Jackie: What? Andy: I want this narration in my head, always. I’d be such a dour person. Jackie: “I’m sad…” (0:26)
Andy: This is what Oscar and I would be doing if we grew up in France. (0:28)
Jackie: Everything’s cooler in France. Andy: And in black and white. Oscar: It’s hard to find a more agressively cool filmmaker than Godard. (0:29)
Jackie: This is like Twin Peaks music. Oscar: Yeah, Audrey music. (0:30)
Jackie: She going to stuff her bra with money? Oscar: With meat? Stacey: I thought those were tea bags… Jackie: Ah… Andy: And tea bags doesn’t really make it any better. (0:33)
Jackie: Jaqueline! I was found… dead… with my baby. (0:34)
Andy: Why are there tigers? Stacey: Ah, she threw the chunk of meat. Andy: Yeah, but, why are there tigers? (0:36)
Andy: This just became a clicktrough adventure game. Jackie: “I fed the tiger some meat, and now I’m on the boat…” Andy: Tap A! Tap A! (0:38)
Andy: I’m telling you, this narration should be in my head. Jackie: Read by Steven Merrit. Andy: In French. This is how I got the Columbo Delano Disaster album. (0:39)
Oscar: I fucking love Godard. Andy: Why don’t I live in a Godard movie? Jackie: Seriously. I’d be so much cooler. (0:40)
Jackie: Ugh. That sweater. Stacey: It’s amazing. Jackie: You’re not getting that. Andy: I’ll get you that sweater! Jackie: He asked for a knit sweater… that’d be hard to knit. Andy: I’ll knit you that sweater! Jackie: Yeah… good luck with that, Andy. (0:42)
Andy: Wait, the tall guy is Franz, the little guy is Arthur, yeah? Jackie: Yeah. Andy: I wonder if this is where The Tick got Arthur. Oscar: S’possible… (0:43)
Oscar: Bjork? (0:44)
Stacey: I like this movie. Jackie: Holy crap. Andy: This is the most meta thing I have ever seen in a film. (0:46)
Andy: We. need. to. learn. this. dance. (0:49)
Jackie: It’s like if Cotton Eye Joe was the coolest thing, ever. (0:50)
Oscar: Even the sink is awesome! Andy: Woah. I was wondering when this movie would get guns. (1:00)
Andy: Man, I can’t believe I missed the film noir festival at the Harvard Film Archive. Oscar: I thought it was a French movie festival… oh wait, that was the Brattle. Andy: Wouldn’t this movie fit in both festivals? (1:02)
Andy: Man, there’s a plot. I forgot about that. This is the most character-driven film noir movie I have ever seen. Oscar: Yeah. You should see “Breathless.” It’s ostensibly a crime movie, but 90 percent of it takes place in a room. (1:06)
Andy: Oscar, I’m calling you Franz from now on. Oscar: I can accept that. Andy: You can accept that… Oscar: …Arthur. Andy: That’s right. (1:12)
Oscar: He’s Rorschach! (1:14)
Andy: Wow, the dog isn’t barking. Oscar: She told him not to. (1:17)
Andy: Woah, Jesus, Arthur. Jackie: Arthur’s been kind of a dick since the beginning of the movie. Andy: Yeah. But Franz, too. Oscar: Yeah, they’re both kinda dicks. (1:19)
Stacey: Music by Perry & Kingsley. (1:21)
Andy: Aw, I love it. Were Godard and Cage friends? Oscar: I don’t think so. Andy: They should have been. (1:21)
Andy: “Okay, but now it’s really not loaded.” Oscar: She just has to say that five more times. (1:23)
I’m not writing any more. It’ll spoil the ending.
Andy: If for the rest of my life my walk has a little extra kick, or if my interactions with friends have a little more slapstick, but in a very cool way, or I seduce a femme fatale and rob an old man, you can totally credit this movie. That was incredible. 1 Long Minute of Silence.
Oscar: Jean-Luc God Damn. 9 Minutes, 43 Seconds.
Jackie: Possibly better than High School Confidential. 3 Snaps.
Stacey: I wish I could have been a character in this movie, but I don’t think I could have done that well. 1 Convertible that Won’t Convert.
Oscar: “A few days ago we wandered into the DVD sale at Movie Works up the street. Aaron essentially badgered me into buying this. It appears to be a European knockoff of Shark Tale, which in turn is an American ripoff of Finding Nemo. I think this might hurt.”
Andy: They did it Han way! (0:00)
Oscar: Is this an Ingmar Bergman film? (0:00)
Jackie: I think we made a mistake here (0:00)
Andy: Here’s the Alan Rickman credit Oscar: Terry Jones… Aaron: Watch them not credit anyone else. They don’t All: Yeah! (0:01)
Jackie: Watch the entire soundtrack be like this. Aaron: If this doesn’t reel in the kids I don’t know what will. (0:01)
Aaron: Holy shit it’s animated! Andy: This is cell animation! Aaron: This must be the last cell animated movie. (0:03)
Stacey: It’s half-animated. Oscar: It’s like Futurama, only shitty. Aaron: Isn’t this what Treasure Planet did… and it tanked? (0:05)
Andy: Hey, a floppy disk. What year is this? (0:04)
Aaron: Stellllaaa! (0:06)
Aaron: Holy shit the Lion King rock! Jackie: It’s pride rock! Oscar: They just have the rejected Disney footage. (0:07)
Andy: Where did they fall? Oscar: Into Teh Goonies. (0:08)
Jackie: Wow, they’re just gonna keep switching movies on us, aren’t they? (0:08)
Andy: Guys, this came out in 2000. Finding Nemo came out in 2003. Aaron: So Shark Tale ripped of this and Finding Nemo? Dreamworks sucks. (0:10)
Oscar: An Inconvenient Truth! Aaron: This predates that movie too. Jackie: This movie was predicting all of these. (0:10)
Aaron: Holy shit, this has songs? (0:11)
Stephanie couldn’t take it anymore. Bye, Stephanie!
Oscar: Now it’s Back to the Future! Andy: Back to the Flounder? Oscar: Ugh. (0:13)
Andy: She took acid! (0:13)
All: Stella! (0:14)
Oscar: He sounds like Jason from Home Movies. (0:15)
Aaron: Wow, is it possible that none of the movie is going to look like the terrible CGI on the cover? (0:16)
Oscar: She kind of looks like the violator from Spawn. Aaron: Best babysitter ever. (0:17)
All: Stella! (0:17)
Oscar: Hey, there’s Alan Rickman. (0:17)
Andy: If Alan Rickman sings this entire movie will be worth it. (0:18)
Jackie: I wonder what the kind of fish they turn into tells you about them. (0:21)
Oscar: She, uh, seems to be taking this in stride. Aaron: Well, children are adaptable. Oscar: She just drank a potion, had a psychedelic experience, turned into a starfish… (0:23)
All: Uuuuugh. (0:21)
Stacey: She’s a starfish - she can eat her way out of that. Andy: So if she loses a limb, does she become two Stella? (0:25)
Oscar: So, they’re obviously trying to paint Joe to be a villian, but right now he looks like a savior. (0:29)
Oscar: It’s pretty safe to say these guys saw the Lion King. Aaron: It’s pretty safe to say these guys saw a Disney movie. Andy: Alan Rickman is singing! Jackie: It’s “Be Prepared!” Oscar: It’s a Europop “Be Prepared.” Aaron: I wonder how many people on the Internet have seen Alan Rickman singing over Europop. (0:31)
Andy: The jellyfish kinda sounds like Milton.(0:34)
Jackie: Is it Pride Rock again? Andy: Nah, it’s Scuttle’s Rock. (0:35)
Oscar: “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” Jackie: He really is a cross between Dante and Randall. (0:37)
Oscar: Those guys wouldn’t be in the water. Those are tortoises. (0:38)
Aaron: Wow, it’s a good thing that kid brought 100 yards of fishing line. (0:40)
Oscar: “The sun rising on my empire” sounds like an expression a fish wouldn’t make. (0:40)
Jackie: Why is the bottle so tiny now, by the way? (0:42)
Andy: “Water under the bridge” is another expression a fish wouldn’t know. (0:43)
All: Whaaaat? Oscar: Aw, fuck. (0:44)
Aaron: Watch them rap the lyrics here. Lyrics start rapping Aaron: Yeah! Jackie: Why don’t you predict something good to happen? Aaron: Hey, I already shortened the opening credit and made this cell animation, what do you want from me? (0:45)
Jackie: Wait, this has only been one day? Alan Rickman did all this in one day? Oscar: He built a civilization. In a day. Jackie: And a mass transit system. (0:49)
Stacey: Little steamboat! I want a little steamboat. (0:50)
All: Stellaa!!! (0:51)
Andy: That vial… is transparent… right now. (0:52)
All: Woooah. Jackie: It’s like that last fight in the Lion King. (0:53)
Fly: Do twisters happen underwater? Aaron: No, but here’s one anyway. Jackie: Even the characters are questioning this plot device. (0:56)
Oscar: I like how they had him out of shot, so they didn’t have the explain the mechanics of a jellyfish holding a screwdriver. (0:59)
All: Stella!! (1:01)
Andy: Really? That’s how we’re going to kill of a lead characer? (1:03)
Aaron: And thus the ecosystem of the ocean is destroyed forever. Andy: We still have the issue of a fish city growing underwater. Oscar: Yeah, human civilization has, like, two years, tops. (1:06)
Aaron: Wow, this is more color than there’s been for the entire movie. (1:08)
Oscar: It’s actually not Sascha, just another seahorse. (1:09)
Andy: Ugh, now we’re tampering in God’s domain. (1:09)
Oscar: Wow, we are partying like it’s 1999. (1:09)
Jackie: Honestly, that could have been worse? Aaron: Yeah, it could have been the movie advertised on the cover. (1:10)
Aaron: I am going to sample the living shit out of this movie. (1:11)
Andy: Hey, all the YouTube clips call it “Help, I’m A Fish.” Jackie: Do you think they changed the title and did the CGI cover after A Shark Tale came out? Oscar: I think that’s certainly what happened. (1:15)
Stacey: If you thought Finding Nemo wasn’t multi-cultural enough, this might be the fucked up, dead fish movie for you.Two Styles of Animation.
Aaron: If you go into it expected the worst animated film, a.k.a., what was advertised on the box, in the end, you’ll be delighted. 5 Slow Motion Near Death Sequences
Oscar: Wow. I’m surprisingly unashamed of my motherland right now. 3 Children Kidnapped And Deformed By Fish-Obsessed Shut-In
Jackie: This could have been a lot worse, and was not ripping off Finding Nemo or A Shark’s Tale, which disturbs me greatly.5 Lion King References
Andy: If the fish can get their mass transportation down in 6 hours, why can’t the MBTA? 1 Fucking Totally Civilzed Fish Colony, with Fucking Mass Transit and a Crab Army. We’re doomed.
Special guest - Megan!! And, we just watched the new Indiana Jones, so keep that in perspective.
Oscar: “This is another one I got at Record Store Day at Newbury Comics. Even friends of mine who hate GG Allin love this movie, and I’ve been meaning to watch this for a while.”
Jackie: Oh Jesus.. (0:01)
Oscar: Awesome. (0:02)
Stacey (as Brandon 2000X): Robots never die. (0:02)
Megan: Oh the young generation - all these people are investment bankers now. (0:03)
Andy: The subtitles are like Spinal Tap. Oscar: I feel like a lot of this will be like Spinal Tap. (0:04)
Jackie: They rehearse? (0:05)
Megan: To clarify, this isn’t human speech, yeah? (0:06)
Andy: Are we gonna see a single… ugh. (0:07)
Stacey (as Brandon 2000X): Schween! (0:07)
Andy: For fun I’m going to swap “GG” with “Jesus.” Oscar: Many have. (0:10)
Jacke: There are no boundaries in Rock ‘n Roll! Oscar: Ace! (0:11)
Oscar: Oh, like Geraldo is someone to talk about a weird moustache. (0:12)
Jackie: So this is what a GG Allin solo performance looks like? (0:13)
Andy: Notice how all these GG Allin fans are exceptionally nerdy? Megan: I’m telling you, he’s a stock broker now. (0:16)
Andy: Oscar, I see a facial hair opportunity here. (0:16)
Andy: Remember that scene, where Indy was looking into the crystal skull? (0:19)
Jackie: Suspicioned? (0:19)
Stacey: Is he always naked? Oscar: This guy? Stacey: Naw - GG. Oscar: He wears clothes sometimes. Megan: This guy’s just a nudist. (0:24)
Jackie: He has a lot of ugly tattoos. Like, poorly done. Oscar: I think they’re talking about that now. (0:27)
Andy: Aw, and they do show it! And they’re going to show this part, too! Oscar: I don’t think I’d have a birthday party for GG Allin in my house. (0:32)
Andy: You know, this guy creeps me out much more than GG does. (0:33)
Oscar: This is a Warren Zevon song. Andy: I wonder how Warren would feel about this. Oscar: I think he’d like it. Andy: I hope you’re right. (0:35)
Aaron comes into the living room. Aaron: Hey guys, whatcha doin? Andy: We’re watching the GG Allin documentary. Aaron: Oh. Aaron leaves the living room. (0:37)
Megan: How does he eat with that? Oscar: It’s like baleen. Jackie: He lives it up with one hand and eats with the other. Stacey: Spikes it up with gel first. Megan: Rolls it up into curlers every night. (0:42)
Andy: Ugh… what are you going to do with that shit, GG? Megan: He’s like monkeys. Oscar: He’s what? Oh, monkeys. Andy: No, not The Monkees (0:45)
Andy: I’d double feature this with Repo Man. Oscar: I can see that. (0:46)
Jackie: Is that it? Oscar: I guess the other hour is footage? Andy: Cool - I can go to bed! (0:47)
Oscar: There probably had to be someone named Tex in the making of this film. (0:48)
Andy: This must have been have made before he died. Oscar: Yeah. Andy: How did he die again? Oscar: Heroin overdose. Andy: Ah… the Halloween suicide thing didn’t pan out then, huh? Oscar: I guess not. (0:48)
Oscar: He does have the best song titles ever. Megan: You should cover this! Andy: I’d cover Charles Manson first. (0:49)
Oscar: Ah, here we go. (0:50)
Stacey: What’s the movie where they shoot footage from a funeral and a music video, and they mix up the two and hillarity ensues…? Oscar: It sounds like you’re talking about Tapeheads, but you haven’t seen Tapeheads. Stacey: Maybe I have. (0:51)
Stacey: I’m it was a short as it is. I don’t think I could have taken much more. 40 Ounces
Jackie: I liked the Springer Show better. My amusement level has dropped.Too Many Naked Men
Oscar: I’m not going to see it’s good to see vintage GG Allin performances, but it’s something you should see for historical perspective.52 Arrests
Andy: If you can stomach seeing a lot of male genetalia, and feces being smeared everwhere, and extremely violent scenes of masochism… come to think of it, you really do need to have a hard stomach to watch this. 4 Awesome Moustaches
Megan: Hey, man, I’m from Seattle. We had the grunge, but we didn’t have crap like that. Literally. It was nauseating. 1 Hell of a Good Beating
Stacey (as Brandon 2000X): I give it 15,000 volts!
Sorry we’ve been so quiet over the past week. We’ve had conflicting schedules and such. We’ll be back fiercer than ever on Thursday. Until then, stay tuned.
Much love,
The Demons.
ps - running total: 17 down, out of 81 movies. Given a cutoff date of August 1st, that means a little less than a movie a day. Yikes.
Jackie: “I walked into my office one day, and my boss had left two gigantic U-Haul boxes of CDs and DVDs. I took basically all of the DVDs except for the new Charlie’s Angels and the first season of Sex and the City. So that’s where the Exorcsit and several other movies in the stack came from.”
Oscar: “There aren’t many things in life that geniunely embarass me, but the fact that I haven’t seen ‘The Exorcist’ is pretty high on the list. I have friends from whom I’ve actively hidden this fact.”
Andy: “I’ve seen it!”
Aaron: This looks like Death of a Salesman Andy: Arthur Miller’s “The Exorcist” (0:00) Aaron: Brahm Stoker’s “The Exorcist.” Andy: Ingmar Bergman’s “The Exorcist” Aaron: John Hugh’s “The Exorcist.” Andy: Michael Bay’s “The Exorcist.”
Jackie: So who’s seen this? Andy: I have! Jackie: Anyone else? Just Andy? Aaron: That speaks pretty poorly on us. (0:05)
Aaron: That’s a pretty bad drawing of America. (0:06)
Stacey: The clock stopped! Scott: Nope. That’s just his pacemaker. (0:07)
Oscar: Was that Brian’s mom from “Life of Brian?” Aaron: “Dear diary, I almost had a run-in with another movie today.” (0:09)
Jackie: I think I’m getting this mixed up wih “Carrie.” Aaron: I think I’m getting this mixed up with “Indiana Jones.” (0:11)
Aaron: Hey, who let the devil in? Jackie: “Whooo let the deevil iin?? Who, whowhowhowho..” (0:12)
Andy: Aw, who let the Tubular Bells in here? Oscar: Michael Myers is driving in the other direction. (0:16)
Aaron: Meanwhile, in “The Warriors.” (0:18)
Aaron: Well, it’s not in the future because these trashcans aren’t burning. Stacey: That leaves the past and the present. Aaron: No graffiti on the trains; must be the past. (0:20)
Stacey: She kinda looks like Mr. B Natural. (0:24)
Scott: Does she ever smoke that cigarette? That’s all I want to know. (0:28)
Aaron: Is the bed possessed? Stacey: It’s like one of thosed beds that shakes when you put the quarter in. Oscar: The magic fingers. Scott: Maybe the bedbugs are possessed. (0:30)
Jackie: Must be a big fuckin’ rat. Aaron: Must be an Allston rat. (0:30)
Aaron: It’s like that Talking Heads album, “stop shooting propane.” Andy: I don’t know… I would have gone with “Burning Down the House.” (0:33)
Aaron: I was just about to make a Ritalin reference. (0:34)
We’re back to quiet observation.
Aaron: If I went to bed right now I could believe this is a “slice of life” movie. Stacey: Oh yeah, this movie started in the desert. (0:47)
Scott: They thought the leeches were unhygenic, so they’re using this. Jackie: What the fuck? Aaron: If I were a doctor, this would be very interesting. (0:52)
Andy: He’s reminding me a lot of the doctor in Arrested Development. (0:55)
Aaron: God, I’d be flipping out if this was happening to me. (0:57)
Andy: You know, I wouldn’t be listening to the Goblins after that meeting. (0:58)
Aaron: “I wanna be sedated…” Andy: I already did Teenage Lobotomy. (1:00)
Andy: Oscar, I heard you gasp. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that. Aaron: Oh, at the stairwell scene? Oscar: I don’t know if it was a gasp. Andy: Oh, it was a gasp. (1:02)
Aaron: So, one of her alternative personalities has an accent? Andy: That’s what you got out of that scene? (1:20)
Scott: Yes! That’s the first one she’s smoked all movie. (1:20)
The movie has possessed us. We’re all pretty quiet.
Scott: I like how that bruise is getting worse and not better. (1:35)
Andy: Ten bucks if you tattoo that on your stomach. Oscar: I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind. Stacey: I’d match that ten. (1:38)
Aaron: One of them’s a cow. Scott: One of them’s a digeridoo. Aaron: One of them’s an elephant. (1:44)
All: The power of Christ compells you! The power of Christ compells you! (1:51)
Aaron: They should just close those stairs. That might have happened here if it weren’t for those “stair closed” signs. (2:03)
Scott: Uhhh? (2:08)
Aaron: That was the first horror movie I’ve seen in a long time that didn’t have The Goblins going on in the back the whole time. (2:09)
Aaron: Kids were using bad language even before the MTV.2 Tubular Bells
Andy: To echo what Aaron was beginning to say earlier, it’s very satisfying to see a horror movie done so gracefully. At least as graceful as The Exorcist can be. The Power of Christ Compells You.
Scott: I’m just happy for Oscar now. 1 Language, Forwards and Backwards
Stacey: This movie probably would have worked better if I had attended church on a regular basis as a child, or at any point in my life. 2 Dead Priests
Jackie: Creepy fuckin’ movie. 1 Vial of Holy Water
Oscar: After seeing so many of the films that followed, it’s good to see the movie thatYOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL AGGGHGHGUGHGHASOI!!!!!!! 5 Hidden Devil Faces
Oscar: “I got this as a birthday present a couple of years ago, along with Takashi Miike’s ‘Visitor Q.’ If this is anything like ‘Visitor Q,’ we’re in for quite a ride.”
Andy: (impersonating narrator) Several thousand years in the future, the world has lost all its water… Jackie: Noooooo! (0:00)
Oscar: Is this shot on video? (0:02)
Jackie: Congrats, Stacey. Your name is slang for zombie. (0:03)
Andy: I wonder where I can find some “Butterfly Twinkle Powder” (0:04)
Andy: Oh, what Nobel Prize did he win? Oscar: For zombie killing! (0:05)
Oscar: Romero Repeat Kill Troops! Yes! (0:05)
Stacey: Shouldn’t it be the other way around? They hurt the doll and the person dies? Andy: This isn’t the Dark Crystal, Stacey. (0:25)
Jackie: I imagine the phrase “repeat kill me” made more sense in Japanese. (0:12)
Annoucner: Today we introduce a new chainsaw. “Bruce Campbell’s Right Hand 2” All: Yesssssss! (0:14)
Oscar: That says “Blues Campbell” on it! (1:15)
Jackie: Can we move to Japan? (0:16)
Jackie: This feels like glorified Collective Fedora. (0:17)
Jackie: How much as a million Yen worth? Andy: About 2 dollars. (0:18)
Oscar: She would totally be on my Worms team in high school. (0:21)
Andy: This must represent some fetish we just don’t have in the United States. (0:24)
Oscar: I wonder if they’ll ever make a US remake of this. (0:25)
Jackie: This is just the Velveteen Rabbit! Oscar: Is the cat going to become real? Jackie: The cat’s going to become a Stacy. (0:27)
Oscar: I feel like they just slapped this with some library music. Jackie: Maybe it’s one guy with a keyboard. (0:34)
Andy: The relationship between these two is only mildly better than the relationship in Detour. (0:36)
Doctor: Hell is full, so they came here. Oscar: Wow, that’s a direct ripoff of “Dawn of the Dead.” Army Man: Is this “Dawn of the Dead,” or “Day of the Dead?” Oscar: Oh. (0:38)
Andy: This movie might set the gore record in the seires. (0:39)
Oscar: It’s the Butterfly Twinkle Powder! Jackie: I wonder what that translates to in Japanese. Andy: It might translate to “Butterfly Twinkle Powder.” (0:41)
Andy: Jesus. Jackie: Oh wow. Oscar: This movie does my heart good. (0:44)
Andy: Aw, she bought her a “Bruce Campbell’s Right Hand 2”. Jackie: So he can Repeat Kill her. Andy: I love this moive. (0:46)
Andy: Meanwhile, in CGI world. Oscar: Meanwhile, in the Isle of Myst. (0:47)
Andy: This is “Bad Taste” levels of gore. Oscar: This feels good. Andy: You already said that. Oscar: I know. It bears repeating. (0:49)
Jackie: Is Drew Barrymore connected to “Dawn of the Dead?” Oscar: No. I don’t know why they’re talking about her. (0:52)
Andy: So they see the Butterfly Twinkle Powder when they’re near someone they want to kill them? Otherwise they have to repeat kill them? (0:56)
Oscar: Oh, it’s a Charlie’s Angels reference. Jackie: Oh, that makes sense. (0:57)
Andy: I guess the Drew Repeat Kill Squad Isn’t as powerful as they say… fuckin’ movie. (1:00)
Jackie: Don’t do that. (pause) Oscar: Wow. They did that. (1:00)
Andy: Aw, they all flock to him because they want to love him… and eat him… Oscar: And call him George. (1:04)
Oscar: This should be a Hallmark movie of the week. (1:05)
Jackie: Is the rest of the movie just going to be them eating him? Andy: We still got 15 minutes. (1:06)
Oscar: Man, where was this movie in high school? Andy: Aw, we would have loved this movie in high school. Oscar: This is a “make Andy puke” movie! Andy: This is so a make me puke movie. (1:07)
Andy: This movie is ending like a Steve Reich piece! (1:10)
Jackie: So is there, like, a big necrophilia fetish in Japan? (1:13)
Andy: Yeah! I knew it. Jackie: Aw, it does say “Blues Campbell!” (1:15)
Stacey: They must have run out of fake blood. (1:15)
Stacey: So… fucking zombies leads to evolution? Oscar: I guess. (1:16)
Oscar: It’s like “Stand By Me!” (1:17)
Andy: I kinda want that statue.
Stacey: I bet you can find it as a trophy. Andy: I don’t think this movie was that popular. (1:18)
Jackie: Wow. Oscar: Awesome. Andy: Jesus. (1:18)
Oscar: Fucking delightful, is all. 2 Right Hands.
Jackie: A little much on the gore, but otherwise really awesome, and I want to move to Japan. Too Much Butterfly Twinkle Powder.
Andy: I never thought such a gorey and fetish-y movie would have such a happy ending, and yet kill almost all of the major characters. 165 Pieces.
Stacey: I learned something today. Not all zombies die if you cut off their head, and that sex with zombies will breed the new future… whatever. 3 Members of the Drew Barrymore Illegal Repeat Kill Squad.
Special guest - a very tired Aaron! He’s physically, emotionally, and mentally exhuasted. But, we love him just the same.
Oscar: “I got this as a Christmas present from our old roommate Dave a couple years ago. I have no idea what this is, and I don’t think Dave did, either.”
(earlier…when picking out a movie) Jackie: Oscar, read us the description. Oscar: *ahem* “… Have an Ice day.” All: hahahahahaha. that’s it! let’s do it
(now on to the show!)
Oscar: Oh my God… (0:00)
Stacey: It’s a recycled Borg costume! (0:01)
Jackie: This is a cross between Star Wars and the Princess Bride. (0:01)
Stacey: He is trying waay to hard to do the robot. (0:01)
Oscar: Bruce Vilanch, what the fuck? (0:02)
Oscar: John Carradine!!! (0:02)
Stacey: Is this supposed to be a comedy? Aaron: I don’t think this has the depth of comedy that we’re going to get out of it. (0:03)
Andy: What!? Edited by… oh, Tom Walls Stacey: Andy saw Tom Waits… Aaron: His one foray into editing. (0:04)
Aaron: This is like Space Police Academy! Oscar: This is a Spaceballs knockoff! (0:05)
Gentle reader, you can just assume Andy and Oscar are making Star Wars references through this entire thing.
Andy: It’s like Firefly without the… good. (0:07)
Aaron: I want everything I say to be included in the quotes… feel her up! …are you kidding? He actually did it! So far so good. (0:07)
Stacey: Ah, because ice is slang for diamonds. Andy: No, looks like ice is slang for ice. Stacey: Oh, I know. Andy: i hope this movie is why ice is slang for diamonds. (0:09)
Jackie: Are we supposed to care about these people? Oscar: You can see the money this movie is losing. (0:10)
Aaron: The dialog is terrible. Good thing we can’t hear it because everyone is talking over everyone. (0:11)
Jackie: Wait, didn’t someone’s hand get chopped of? Stacey: Yeah. Jackie: Are we going to go back to that? (0:12)
Oscar: The costumes don’t even fit. Look at that. (0:12)
Aaron: They do a good job of making music sound like other music from better movies. (0:13)
Aaron: They have disco floors! Oscar: It’s the prom from Prom Night! (0:14)
Aaron: Sure, they bicker now, but they’ll be in love by the end of the movie. Andy: It’s like Han Solo and Princess Leia. Hey look! There’s Lando. Aaron: I already called a character Lando, but that’s a better Lando. (0:17)
Jackie: Did you just see the styrofoam go flying? (0:19)
Aaron: Wait, did that Bee-Gee get killed? (0:21)
Aaron: Makes you wonder what happened to the water. Stacey: We ate it! Oscar: Somebody spilled it… Jackie: … into space! (0:23)
In comes Matt! Hi, Matt!
Matt: Hey look, Obi-Wan is over here. Aaron: That’s not the only Star Wars reference. Matt: Oh wow - it’s Cloud City. Aaron: So the premise is… there’s no water. Matt: It’s Waterworld! (0:27)
Matt: What is this? Aaron: They’re fully grown oompa-loompas! (0:27)
Oscar: So this is just a ripoff of the scene from History of the World, Part One? Stacey: Oh yeah. (0:28)
Aaron: If I could only hear one sound for the rest of my life, it’d be slap bass. (0:30)
Jackie: What does this have to do with the earlier part of this movie? (0:31)
Andy: Vespa-tron! (0:33)
Andy: That police car is straight outta Carmageddon. Oscar: Finally, a diginified look at space travel! (0:34)
Aaron: I like how the robot says R2 on it. They’re literally spelling this out for us! Matt: I like how the robot says, “Mama.” (0:34)
Oscar: It’s kinda like Blues Brothers, except it makes you want to kill yourself. (0:34)
Aaron: I like as soon as I compare that robot to the one on Pee Wee’s Playhouse, it says “y’all wanna see some titties!?” (0:34)
Oscar: I wonder how long it will be before John Carridine shows up. (0:37)
Aaron: Dames, right? (0:38)
Aaron: You know how many disco balls they had to skin to make that outfit? (0:40)
Aaron: Hey an egg that came out of nowhere is hatching. Andy: Cool - now we can rip off Alien! Stacey: Did a little mouth just come out of that? Oscar: Yeah. Like in that movie. Alien. (0:41)
Aaron: Heeey, remember Anjelica Houston? Oscar: Hey yeah, where is she? Jackie: She quit halfway through the movie. (0:42)
Andy: This is the Epic Movie of its time. (0:44)
Jackie: How much is left? Oscar: About half. Jackie: Are you serious? (0:44)
Oscar: Oh my god! I think that’s the midget from I Am Not A Freak! (0:46)
Oscar: There she is! Aaron: She stopped by Mortal Kombat! (0:46)
Andy: Hey, if there’s not water, what’s in that beer, then? Stacey: Air? Andy: What’s 80% of these people? Stacey: Beer? Jackie: They seem to be doing pretty ok for not having water. Oscar: And isn’t that steam? Stacey: They also look pretty clean. Andy: Think they’ve been showering. (0:50)
Aaron: … on the way to Burning Man… (0:52)
Oscar: They pass Buckaroo Bonsai driving into a mountain. (0:53)
Aaron: It’s Mad Max 2. Oscar: It’s Dune. Andy: It’s any number of movies that are far better than this movie. (0:54)
Jackie: Since when is the princess a hippie? (0:55)
Aaron: Fifty-five minutes in and they introduce time warps!? (0:55)
Andy: I think we’ve officially broken our record for longest post. (0:57)
Andy: Woah! Nice car. Oscar: Remember the Mad Max movies? These people did. (0:59)
Jackie: He can’t be dead. He’s the lead character. Aaron: Pleeeease be dead. (0:59)
Jackie: Wait, what? Oscar: He got rescued by the editor. (1:00)
Stacey: So this is like a really really crappy prequil to Ghost World Oscar: … Ghost World? Stacey: No… Tank Girl! (1:02)
Stacey: It disassembled! It committed Robot Suicide! Jackie: Robot Suicide would be a good name for a band. Oscar: Robot Suicide would be a good name for anything. Aaron: I’m going to make a dinner dish and call it Robot Suicide. (1:04)
Oscar: Isn’t that literally what happens in Alien? (1:06)
Jackie: She was nicer as a hippie. Stacey: Her character changes entirely with the clothing. (1:07)
Jackie: This looks like old Star Trek. Oscar: This is when the money ran out. Aaron: This is totally shot on a soundstage. Oscar: You can see the sagging curtain in the background! (1:07)
Andy: This king is faaabulous! Oscar: Ah, here’s Bruce Vilanch. (1:10)
Stacey: Did she just get fondled! Jackie: Oh, come on! Oscar: “I never thought it would end like this. But I always really hoped.” (1:11)
Oscar: Meanwhile, at the Emerson Majestic Theatre. (1:12)
Andy: Those are extremely basic circuits on the screen. That’s the sort of stuff you’d use with an erector set to turn on a lightbulb. (1:13)
Oscar: Why in the world would you take Bruce Vilanch’s head with you if you know he can talk? (1:14)
Aaron: Summon a hollogram! Summon a hollogram! Yeah!! (1:15)
Jackie: What’s all this time travel? I thought this was about water? Aaron: The water’s all trapped in time? (1:16)
Oscar: Aw, fucking button your shirt! (1:17)
Jackie: It’s a fucking holodeck! Stacey: It’s a TV with a couch in front of it! Andy: Hey, we got one of those! Jackie: It’s the cover of a romance novel! All: Uuuugghhh… Aaron: Robot suuuiiiiciiideee! Jackie: This is the least attractive sex scene ever! Jason: I think I should take my saber off. All: Nooooooooooo! (1:20)
Oscar: It’s Paul Ruebens! Matt: “Y’all wanna see some titties?” (1:22)
Oscar: At least in the time warp the movie will move faster. (1:23)
Jackie: I think she’s pregnant. Andy: They’re in a time warp - I think she actually is pregnant. Oscar: Oh my god, I think you’re right. (1:24)
Aaron: Oh I see, this is going to be like the birth of Christ. (1:25)
Princess: Big surprise, daddy. Oscar: Big surprise. Jackie: That baby’s, like, six months old. (1:26)
Oscar: It’s Norman Bates’ mom! (1:27)
Oscar: I feel like this movie has lost momentum Stacey: I feel like they should have had to eat by now. Aaron: Funny how time is speeding up and all. (1:28)
Aaron: They really didn’t know how to wrap up this movie. Oscar: It’s collapsing under its own weight. (1:29)
Aaron: Yeeeah! It’s not too late to have an abortion! (1:30)
Oscar: In the future we lost water and buttons. (1:30)
Oscar: I’m going to have to talk to Dave about this. (1:33) Andy: Send him the bill. Jackie: “This is for my therapy.” (1:33)
Andy: Please do not let the wacky reviews of those below me convince you in any way, shape, or form to actually watch this movie. I don’t care how much fun it looks like we’re having tearing this movie to shreds, it is not worth your time. Go play ball with you children. Go for a walk. Finish that novel you’ve been working on. Spend time with your parents. Just don’t, don’t, don’t see this movie. 1 Passion Storm.
Aaron: I look forward to a brigher tomorrow, when I can trust a pimp robot. 2 Solar-Powered Cars
Oscar: This is the movie your grandmother rents for you because you said you liked “Star Wars,” and you have to sit there and pretend to enjoy it. 2 Donkeys, 2 Baby Wild Boars.
Matt: I still wanna go to Burning Man. Ribbit, Ribbit.
Jackie: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. 30 Characters I Will Never Think About Again.
Stacey: In my future, there will be more explosions, and more water. 1 Flouridated Ice Brick.
