Endless Feature

Episode #39 - Conair (Haircuts at Home)

Stacey: “I recently purchased a new beard trimmer. It came with this.”

Stacey: This is going to be fun.
Andy: Here we go. (0:00)

Oscar: It’s Bart Simpson! (0:00)

Aaron: this takes place at my orthodontist’s office. (0:00)

Aaron: This is like those flight safety videos, where only half of it pertains to you. (0:01)

Oscar: There’s probably a joke to be made somewhere with “Power Screw.” (0:01)

Jackie: It’s Mike O’Malley and Michael Cera! (0:02)

Aaron: I hope they keep this in the plural first tense.
Oscar: Are we going to watch the whole haircut? (0:03)

Jackie: Did that just happen?
Oscar: Somewhere you could market this as a fetish video. (0:04)

Andy: Clipper across column? Is that what they’re saying?
Jackie & Oscar: Comb.
Andy: Clipper across comb?! That sucks.
Oscar: Yeah, they could come up with a snappier title. (0:05)

Oscar: I’m just afraid this is going to turn into Un chien andalou. (0:06)

Andy: “We want to grow up to be a debaser, don’t we?” (0:06)

Andy: Oooh, that guy does not look good.
Aaron: That’s uneven! They totally missed a spot! (0:07)

Jackie: The flat top is one of the most popular cuts of our time!?
Bethany: If our time is 1992. (0:07)

Andy: Naw, keep the rat tail! That’ll be cool when you’re a scenester in a few years! (0:08)

We all cried out when they cut the rat tail.

Aaron: Kris Kross!
Oscar: It is 1992! (0:10)

Aaron: So the flat top is just a hairspray thing?
Jackie: It’s a faux hawk! (0:13)

Oscar: It’s Billy Idol!
Aaron: I’m gonna get this haircut as soon as this is over. (0:13)

Aaron: Let’s roll this blunt!
Oscar: “Give her a blunt cut to the face…” (0:15)

Oscar: Andy Warhol’s Haircut. (0:16)

Aaron: This is called the “clippers across the fingers” technique.
Bethany: Too bad fixing the roots wasn’t part of this haircut. (0:17)

Aaron: Hey, remember pan flute? (0:17)

Bethany: They spent more time on her makeup than they did her hair. (0:18)

We all cheered when “Mushroom Bowl Cut” came up on screen.

Aaron: This kid is so excited to have a bowl cut. (0:19)

Aaron

Stacey: You know what would make this great? Live sound. (0:19)

Jackie: “You too can look like Ryder Strong.” (0:19)

Aaron: “Then we smoke the bowl.”
Andy: “With the blunt.” (0:20)

Oscar: “Here we see the head move back and to the left.” (0:21)

Oscar: He looks like the cat girl that used to hang around the Sex Pistols!
Andy: What?
Aaron: You lost me.
Bethany: You lost all of us.
Oscar: She was in the Great Rock ‘N’ Roll Swindle! (0:22)

Andy: He’s twitching! Do you see that?
Jackie: The barber’s hands are shaking.
Bethany: It’s hard when you’re holding a camera.
Aaron: They’re not supposed to be within 30 feet of a child.
Oscar: It’s Sargent Hatred! (0:23)

Andy: Someone found a copy of Avid 2!
Aaron: Someone found a copy of Word! (0:25)

Oscar: 1996.
Jackie: Woah. That’s behind the time. I was thinking ‘91. (0:26)

Aaron: We should play this at parties. (0:26)

Aaron: I’ve got a new favorite phrase. 5 Clippers Across the Comb

Jackie: Easily the best movie in the stack. 1 Severed Rat Tail

Bethany: Greg should sleep with one eye open. The Best Mushroom Bowl Cut Ever

Oscar: I like to think of this as a long lost sequel to Perfume. 4 Terrified Children

Stacey: Very glad I purchased this trimmer. And if anyone wants a haircut, just let me know. 23-Piece Kit

Andy: The worst part of all this? The haircuts were terrible. 1 Pair of Professional Scissors

Greg: *shakes head*

Episode #38 - G-Men From Hell

Oscar: “A few months back I went on a comic book kick and picked up a copy of Madman by Michael Allred. The volume I picked up had a crossover from Allred’s other comic, G-Men From Hell. About a week later I stumbled across this movie adaptation that I had no idea existed. And that’s my story.”

Oscar: William Forsyth! (0:00)

Andy: Bobcat Goldthwait?! (0:00)

Oscar: Gary Busey is in this!
Andy: This is a pretty awesome cast. (0:01)

Andy: This should either be paired with Detour or Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. (0:04)

Jackie: Was this shot on film? (0:05)

Andy: It feels like they raided a Halloween Store for the set.
Jackie: This feels like an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark. (0:05)

Jackie: This is a fairly low budget movie. Like they spent all their money on the cast.
Oscar: Yeah… Robert Goulet is their special effects. (0:06)

Jackie: This feels like it was filmed in a living room.
Andy: This is Bobcat’s living room.
Oscar: This feels like the local public access show hosting movies.
Jackie: Could you just see the beams of the set?
Andy: I don’t know. I’m getting over it. (0:07)

Oscar: I think we found our Bobcat. (0:12)

Andy: Hey Oscar, can we become G-Men?
Oscar: Yeah.
Andy: I’ll be the dude in the black fedora.
Oscar: I’ll be Mattress. (0:18)

Aaron comes in!

Aaron: These are Battlefield Earth camera angles. (0:21)

Andy: Hey! Wait a minute! That’s Lebowski! (0:21)

Aaron: This is like TV music. Was this a made-for-TV movie?
Andy: Hey, it’s Bunny Lebowski. (0:23)

Jackie: What is this guy’s deal?
Andy: They couldn’t afford Cheech Marin.
Aaron: Or George Lopez.
Jackie: He’s dressed like a ladybug. (0:26)

Oscar: This looses some of the effortless cool of the comic books. (0:27)

Aaron leaves!

Jackie: So the comic books are better than this, yeah?
Andy: I don’t know, these camera angles are fun.
Jackie: Yeah, but…
Oscar: The comics are a lot more deadpan than that. (0:32)

Jackie: You know what this feels like? An episode of Ghost Writer.
Oscar: Or Mathnet.
Andy: Nah, this is too over the top for Mathnet.
Jackie: Yeah, I’m gonna stick with Ghost Writer. (0:33)

Aaron returns!

Andy: This is all based on an episode in the comic?
Oscar: Yeah.
Andy: So you know what happens next?
Aaron: The camera straightens itself out? (0:35)

Jackie: Now it feels like we’re watching Pete & Pete.
Andy: Maybe that’s the red plaid. (0:39)

Andy: This movie is falling apart very fast.
Aaron: It’s collapsing on itself. (0:43)

Oscar: Mrs. Lake has an excellent apartment. (0:48)

Andy: Robert Goulet? In a Mustang? (0:50)

Stacey: It takes some serious effort to get a soldering iron to do that. (0:54)

Andy: By the way, Goulet’s last on-screen role.
Aaron: He’s dead?
Oscar: Yeah he died about a year ago.
Andy: I wonder what that means that his last on-screen role was the Devil.
Oscar: I hope that means he’s the Devil. (0:57)

Oscar: There are few things in the world more terrifying than Gary Busey’s smile. (0:59)

Aaron: Snob Creek? Awesome. (1:02)

Aaron: Day for night?
Oscar: Nah, I think that’s actual night.
Aaron: I like how they have all that steam coming up.
Andy: They drove by the dry ice factory. (1:08)

Oscar: He looks like that one Myth Buster. (1:15)

We’re more or less quietly watching the end of the movie.

Aaron: It’s like any other direct-to-video. I’ll sort of casually watch it if it’s there, but immediately forget about afterward. It’s not something I’d blog about, necessarily. 1 Unintentional Reference to the Flintstones

Stacey: It’s called G-Men From Hell. What did you expect? 1 Frozen Demon

Andy: Perfume was better. 3 Tisks

Oscar: A lot of what makes Allred’s comics so cool is its deadpan absurdism. This movie doesn’t have a deadpan bone in its straight-to-video body. That said, William Forsyth is a pretty good Crept. 2 Spotted Jumpsuits

Jackie: Like a combination of Ghost Writer and Are You Afraid of the Dark?.  1 Blonde Wig

Episode #37 - Perfume

Special guests Nichole and Megan!

Oscar: “When I heard about this movie coming out I decided I should really read the book first. By the time I finished the book, the movie was out of theaters. I finally picked this up at the same video sale where I got A Fish Tale.”

Oscar: “Aberrant Behavior Involving Nudity, Violence and Sexual Behaviors.”
All: Woo!
Jackie: Aberrant? Why would they use a word like that?
Megan: It is an 18th century movie. (0:00)

Andy: Woah.
Megan: Yeah. That sets the scene for the rest of the movie. (0:01)

Jakcie: Wow. This movie gets going right away. (0:07)

Andy: Do you think the baby’s CGI?
Megan: Maybe a little of both.
Jackie: Could be a really good puppet. (0:10)

Andy: Jesus. No one does well in France.
Oscar: No. (0:13)

Stacey: Sounds like a description for a cat.
Jackie: Sounds like Miso’s idea of the rest of the house. (0:14)

Jackie: Seems like they did a good job adapting the book.
Megan: Yeah, it’s a pretty decent job.
Jackie: I should really read the book.
Oscar: I can loan you my copy. The first 15 pages are just about how bad France smells. (0:15)

Oscar: I guess Kubrick sat on this one for a while. He didn’t think he could do it justice.
Jackie: Who ended up doing it?
Oscar: The same director that did Run Lola Run.
Jackie: I can totally see that! I can totally see that. (0:17)

Megan: It could be sweet.
Stacey: But it isn’t. (0:23)

Jackie: That really isn’t way to a woman’s heart.
Andy: It’s a way to make a woman’s heart stop.
Stacey: If you cut it out it is.
Oscar: I’m glad they’re not pulling any punches in this.
Megan: Oh no. They don’t shy away. (0:25)

Megan: See? This could be sweet too.
Nichole: Stop defending him! (0:26)

Andy: It’ll be a scent-sation?
Jackie: We all thought it. (0:30)

Jackie: I always have trouble with movies where they aren’t supposed to be speaking English and they are.
Andy: You gotta give Night On Earth a lot of credit for handling that.
Jackie: Yeah, that was really good. (0:34)

Andy: Patchouli?
Megan: Or Prosciutto. It’s a ham-based perfume.
Andy: “I was trying to get that hippie smell.” (0:38)

Andy: The foley in this movie has been amazing - you guys noticed that?
Oscar: Yeah.
Andy: From a put-together sense this is one of the best movies we’ve seen.
Megan: That’s why I was so surprised that it was on the stack. (0:44)

We’re watching this one fairly quietly.

Oscar: That’s one of my favorite recurring themes in a book. (0:59)

Andy: So he likes the smell of redheads?
Megan: Who doesn’t?
Oscar: I know… (1:05)

Megan: That’s creepy.
Oscar: Not gonna defend this one, huh? (1:14)

Jackie: Aww… that poor dog.
Andy: Yeah, but what an amazing shot!
Jackie: You know, this is the stuff that would give me nightmares.
Oscar: It was fun reading this on the T. (1:20)

Andy: “I’ll just follow my nose!” (1:24)

Megan: This is a good promotion for perfume.
Andy: In as much as Blood Diamond is a good promotion for Zales. (1:31)

Aaron staggers in to the movie!

Oscar: It’s the Wicker Man!
Aaron: “How’d he get burned!? How’d he get burned!?” (1:38)

Andy: Rabbit rabbit! (1:42)

Jackie: Is that in the book?
Megan: The dad’s way creepy in the book. They’ve toned him down a bit. (1:48)

Andy: This is why I love Alan Rickman. He’s so creepy.
Jackie: Not as creepy as the Hitcher.
Oscar: Oh, Rutger Hauer. (1:49)

Jackie: I will never look at perfume the same way again. (1:54)

The movie is ending. We’re pretty quiet.

Oscar: Wow. Looks like they’re going on with the ending as written. (2:07)

We’d have more quotes here, but we’re not about to spoil this movie for you guys.

Megan: Best death scene ever. 5 Dead Bosses.

Nichole: Fortunately this movie rocked, as I’m going to have to watch it at least two more times. All Of My Hairs.

Andy: I’m fairly certain when I look back at the 100-odd movies we’re watching for this project, all of the Ice Pirates and 99 44/100th Percent Deads will be forgiven for helping me find movies like this one. Also, Alan Rickman. The 13th Scent.

Oscar: Without a doubt, the best smell-based movie, since John Waters’ Polyester. 1 Scentless Apprentice.

Jackie: Fantastic movie, although I’m not sure I ever want to see it again. 2 Read Heads.

Stacey: I want to see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. But barring that, this will do. 1 Girl In A Vat Of Oil.

Episode #36 - Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Oscar: “This movie, along with Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama, is one of the movies that every cult movie fan knows the title, but fewer have actually seen. I found this used at Newbury Comics a few years ago, but for one reason or another never saw.”

Jackie: This is going to be fantastic. I can already tell. (0:00)

Andy: Gives whole new meaning to “Bruce Campbell’s Right Hand.” (0:01)

Andy & Oscar: Dukey Flyswatter. (0:03)

Jackie: Wow. He had, like, 5 credits there. (0:04)

Oscar: He’s eating out of Tom Servo’s head! (0:05)

Oscar: Wow.
Andy: Guys. Velvet Elvis. Velvet Elvis on the wall. (0:08)

Oscar: I feel like this movie is taking place inside a Cramps song. (0:10)

Andy: Is that Brian Setzer we’re listening to? (0:10)

Oscar: Guys, this movie is a work of unfiltered genius. (0:13)

Andy: Oxnard is not a place! (0:14)

Andy: That’s the second time Dime Novels came up in movies tonight. (0:15)

Oscar: Is that Fren Drescher? (0:17)

Andy: This movies has fewer hookers than I anticipated. I guess Troma desensitized me. (0:20)

Jackie: Weird narration.
Andy: Remember Detour?
Oscar: This is like the Troma version of Detour. (0:21)

Andy: He kinda looks like Colonel Sanders.
Jackie: It’s Dr. Jacoby! (0:24)

Andy: That corset can’t decide if it’s on or off.
Oscar: I feel like that’s the one continuity error people will definitely notice in this scene. (0:26)

Andy: I like this bartender. (0:30)

Jackie: And Gunnar looks on! I hope that’s all he does this movie. (0:34)

Jackie: Weird to hear Gunnar talk. I thought his voice would be deeper. (0:38)

Aaron: This guy’s got a lot of lip for a guy that’s about to get chainsawed. (0:43)

Andy: Alright so this, Detour, and High School Confidential. Best dialog so far?
Jackie & Oscar: Yeah. (0:45)

Stacey: Was she wearing ruby slippers? (0:51)

Jackie: What? “Frosted flake?” (0:52)

Andy: Next time I do a haunted house I’m doing it like this. (0:54)

Andy: “The Hunger… is never ending…” (0:58)

Oscar: He’s dressed like Aleister Crowley.
Andy: I think that’s the point. (0:58)

Andy: You drank from the chalice of Satan’s blood! (1:00)

Jackie: That’s cool.
Andy: I’ll say. Now we’re at the circus.
Jackie: Cirque du Soleil! (1:02)

Stacey: Let me guess. They cut each other’s clothes off. (1:07)

Jackie: Oh my god. That was fantastic. (1:12)

Oscar: That was really good.
Jackie: That didn’t have a right to be that good.

Stacey: Delivers everything the title promises. Better than it should be. 2 Sacrificial Cans of Gas.

Andy: I admit I came into this with really low expectations. I was totally, totally wrong. This is like a skeevier and less subtle Firesign Theatre episode, for adults only. Basically, the kind of Firesign Theatre episode we would have loved to find as 16 year olds, but would have had to hide from our parents. 1 Velvet Elvis, slightly stained.

Jackie: Like a cross between Dragnet and Rocky Horror, with fantastic results. 1 God of Chainsaws.

Oscar: Keep in mind my frame of reference when I say that this is one of the most charmingly sleezy horror spoofs I’ve seen. I went into this movie pretty much knowing nothing but the title, and knowing that there was something called “the virgin dance of the double chainsaw,” and it didn’t disappoint. Fred Olen Ray and Linnea Quigley deserve their lifetime achievement Oscars. 1 Happy Little League Team

Episode #35 - The Quick and the Dead (1987)

Andy: “Saaaaaaaaaaam Elliott. That’s why I got this movie. I got this when my roommates, who at the time were none of the people I’m doing this with, were obsessed with Spaghetti Westerns. This ain’t one, by the standard definition, but, as I said before, Saaaaaaaaaaaam Elliott.”

Andy: I bet they die of dysentery. (0:01)

Oscar: “Dick Bush”. I’m going to guess he got teased as a kid. (0:02)

Andy: “Tell me again about The Dude?” (0:04)

Oscar: He is always the same character. The wry mustachioed cowboy. Even in Ghost Rider. (0:05)

Oscar: Bob Newhart of the wild west!
Jackie: What just happened? (0:07)

Jackie: He reminds me of Jack Elam. But creepier. Like Jack Elam’s evil twin.
Andy: I bet he doesn’t even hang out with kids with Progeria. (0:09)

Andy: That’s a noble horse.
Oscar: That’s a fringe-y jacket. (0:10)

Jackie: You know who he reminds me of? The cowboy guy in Garfield.
Oscar: Oh! Cactus Jake! (0:12)

Andy: Woody Allen Goes West. (0:18)

Oscar: I’m going to go ahead and say he’s going to get punched before this movie is over. (0:23)

Andy: It’s the occasional synthesizer that throws off the music. You can tell it’s an 80s western.
Jackie: Is it? I was gonna say earlier that the wife’s haircut looked a little 80s.
Stacey: Yeah, that leather’s a bit too refined.
Jackie: Yeah. Little tiny things. (0:25)

Jackie: They’re pretty näive settlers. (0:31)

Oscar: He reminds me of the the creepy redneck in Boggy Creek 2: And The Legend Continues. (0:33)

Andy: What? What?
Jackie: Oh come on. That’s not necessary. It doesn’t need a love story. Quick. and. Dead. (0:37)

Andy: One doesn’t use proper grammar, does one?
Jackie: Not in the west! (0:38)

Oscar: I hope Elliott’s just fucking with this guy. (0:44)

Oscar: Man, even in HBO westerns there’s a shower scene. (0:45)

Andy: That was the best shot ever! (0:48)

Andy: You can tell he was a Tony award winning actor.
Oscar: “end scene.” (0:51)

Jackie: This guy’s a jackass.
Andy: Yeah. I thought he was gonna be a good guy. (1:01)

Stacey: A lamp, a dresser, the bed… they made the bed?
Oscar: That’s just ostentacious. (1:02)

Andy: I should hook my MIDI keyboard and play along.
Oscar: Hook up Stacey’s foot pedals. (1:03)

Stacey: Ok, so I’ve seen some “dead,” but I haven’t seen any “quick” yet. (1:04)

Aaron’s joined us for the end of the movie!

Andy: Meanwhile…
Oscar: They’re in Narnia!
Aaron: Meanwhile, in a Budweiser commercial!
Andy: Meanwhile, in Valley Forge. (1:07)

Stacey: Did you say this was on HBO or Showtime?
Oscar: HBO.
Aaron: A story of a cowboy…
Jackie: And an anachronistic woman.
Oscar: The story of one moustache. (1:08)

Andy: If Abraham Lincoln comes out of that cabin I’m throwing a pillow at the TV. Jackie: This sounds like the theme from the Neverending Story. (1:11)

Oscar: This is the most inconsistent weather. (1:16)

Oscar: This movie combines the sexual sensitivity of the old west and 1980s HBO. (1:17)

Stacey: First smart thing that guy did. (1:21)

Jackie: I like the fact that the two of them made out has no basis on the story. (1:26)

Andy: What should have been a great movie was kinda ruined by its frequent bubblings of 80s-dom and HBO-dom. Still, there are a couple of screen captures I need to take of Sam Elliott smirking before I toss this one away. 1 Moustache.

Jackie: While Sam Elliott is very amusing, the movie was so cheesy it hurt most of the time, and I enjoyed the random synthesizer interludes in a western. 1 Damn Fine Woman.

Oscar: I feel like this movie would be best viewed while home sick, bookended by screenings of “Look Who’s Talking.” 1 Fully Furnished Meadow.

Stacey: This movie was not quick. But perhaps it should die, though the budget Jack Elam was slightly amusing. The 2 That Rode Away.

Aaron: It’s never too late to turn back. 72 Minutes of Backstory I Skipped.

Episode #34 - The French Connection

Jackie: “Got it from my boss. Again. I really don’t know much about this movie. I picked it up because it looked interesting - something Oscar would appreciate.”

Andy: Wow. Budget titles. (0:00)

Andy: Woah.
Oscar: Nice.
Jackie: Well then. They get right into this. (0:03)

Andy: He’s got a 2 star rating.
Jackie: At this point he might have 3.
Andy: Nah, no helicopters yet.
Stacey: I’m going to say 1 star. There’s no swarm of cop cars yet.
Oscar: They should show this movie at Christmas.
Jackie: It’s as much of a Christmas movie as Die Hard.
Stacey: Die Hard is such a Christmas movie! (0:06)

I have a feeling this is going to be another quiet one on the commentary side. We’re pretty enthralled.

Andy: Hey that’s the guy that killed the guy in the beginning.
Jackie: Oh yeah. I kinda forgot about that by now. (0:22)

Stacey: There are a lot of drugs in this bar. (0:28)

Oscar: That is a fine pork pie hat. (0:36)

Andy: The hell? Is Gene in bondage hooks?
Oscar: I think she handcuffed him to the bed. (0:39)

Andy: They had car phones all the way back then?
Oscar: I guess, but they’re cops.
Stacey: Probably a radio. That looked like a rotary phone handle though. (0:45)

Stacey: What year was this made?
Oscar: ‘71.
Stacey: What year is it supposed to be?
Oscar: ‘71 I think.
Andy: They dressed better back then.
Jackie: Yeah, they did. Great hats, too.
Andy: Yeah, I’m really enjoying the hats in this movie. (0:48)

Andy: This guy’s got all the moves. I gotta say. (0:50)

Andy: You know, the bad guys wouldn’t catch on that he’s following them if he didn’t insisit on bringing the string quartet with him. (0:57)

Jackie: This movie should be called “Running Around New York to Loud Music.” (0:59)

Andy: Woah, what’s up with the plane?
Stacey: First class is in the back. (1:04)

Andy: This is so much like Grand Theft Auto it’s unreal. (1:14)

Aaron: So that’s the only part of the movie I’ve ever seen, and now I’ve seen it twice.
Andy: That was an amazing car scene. (1:18)

Andy: Meanwhile, in The Mighty Ducks.
Oscar: I was gonna say Clerks. (1:21)

Andy: Who did the music in this?
Oscar: Don Ellis.
Andy: I really dig it.

Jackie: Finally. (1:30)

Jackie: This makes me want to play 007.
Andy: This makes me want to play all sorts of video games. (1:41)

Andy: What a classic. What an archetype. What a car chase. I’m showing my dad this movie. 1 Pork Pie Hat.

Oscar: At least I know if I lend Popeye Doyle my car, I’ll get it back in one piece. 1 Pissed Off Santa Claus.

Stacey: Very excellently constructed, but not my slice of pie in terms of pacing. 1 Passed Out Conductor.

Jackie: Didn’t really dig the first half of the movie, but the second half more than made up for it. Really dug the scene in the decrepit warehouse. 1 Orchestra.

Episode #33 - Dragnet (the TV series - S03, E28-29)

Andy: “I remember when I was little I used to try and be very rebellious by sneaking downstairs around 11 at night and stay up until 6 in the morning watching Nick At Nite. Most of the time, it was to watch this, Get Smart, and Taxi. I found this Dragnet disc at a rest stop I think? Might have been while I was on tour. Wasn’t sure if it was the old movie or a bunch episodes, but I knew I wanted it. Doing this at 4AM is only fitting.”

This is a TV series, so we’re doing two episodes. Episode 1… “The Big Shoplift” (Season 3, Episode 28)

Andy: These movies tonight all share the theme of really good exposition. (0:01)

Jackie: This transfer’s not that bad, actually. (0:01)

Oscar: That’s Jack Webb. I have a recording of him singing “Try A Little Tenderness.” Well, not really singing. (0:02)

Andy: Sounds like it’s pretty clear who the suspect is on this one. (0:05)

Andy: Looks like Dorothy Kirkman is in four episodes… (0:07)

Oscar: Paaayyycheeeccckkk..
Andy: Sto-len-prop-er-ty-list… (0:08)

Andy: She saw something, so she said something. (0:11)

Oscar: She has a lot of teeth.
Andy: Probably as many as you and I do, I imagine. (0:12)

You can assume every time the theme is played we’re singing a riff off of Jack Webb’s narration.

Andy: She was fifteen?
Stacey: Apparently.
Andy: I feel profoundly disturbed right now. (0:16)

Andy: “Hello, Rutger? I don’t care if you’re hitchhiking.” (0:20)

Andy: Oh man, shorthand! Take a look.
Oscar: Wow. (0:21)

Andy: That’s the moral? (0:24)

And on to Episode 2: “The Big Hit-Run Killer” (Season 3, Episode 29)

Andy: There was creamed corn all over the highway. (0:01)

Oscar: They’ve just been hanging out in the tiny box office. (0:03)

Andy: It’s the “I love to kill grandmothers” Bakery. (0:05)

Andy: This would tie in nicely with that creepy New Jersey drivers ed piece that MST3K did. (0:07)

Looks like Jackie’s down for the count. Sweet dreams, Jackie.

Andy: His tie is tucked in! (0:09)

Oscar: People say “what’s it all about?” an awful lot in this show. (0:13)

Andy: I’d love to see Jack Webb vs. Perry Mason.
Oscar: Or Jack Webb vs. Miguel Ferrer. (0:18)

Andy: Woah.
Oscar: “Get it in the neck with both barrels.” (0:24)

Andy: They always look so awkward here. Woah, he’s in San Quentin. (0:24)

See all of the “The Big Hit-Run Killer” here.

Andy: Classic. And a nice way to end a marathon session. 1 Alibi

Oscar: Jack Webb knows what you did and will take you down. Not less than one, nor more than five stars.

Stacey: Better than I remembered Nick At Nite being. 1 Midnight-Blue Blimp

Jackie: zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Episode #32 - Slam Dunk Ernest

Stacey: “Slam Dunk Ernest was a gift from my mother. I don’t remember if it was a birthday present or a Christmas present, but either way.”

Oscar: Oh fuck me. That logo doesn’t bode well. (0:00)

Jackie: “And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as ‘The Archangel’”
Oscar: Granted, I do like that title card. (0:01)

Oscar: I’m having trouble with the spatial relations of this movie. (0:02)

Jackie: I’m trying to think of another situation in which we’d all be in the living watching “Slam Dunk Ernest” complacently.
Andy: I’m not sure Oscar is watching complacently. (0:04)

Oscar: This feels like that one very special episode of “Diff’rent Strokes” with the child molester. (0:05)

Jackie: This is so 90s it’s painful [one dude reaches for the radio]… oh no… why did I say that? (0:05)

Andy: Well, now that we established that the sculpture has value, Ernest is going to destroy it. (0:07)

Oscar: They’re sounding the Gilbert Godfrey alarm! (0:08)

Jackie: What’s Ernest’s deal? (0:11)

All: Uagghh! (0:11)

Andy: I’m reminded every second why I never watched Ernest movies. (0:12)

Oscar: So, to recap - this is the story of the retarded janitor who wants to join the gay basketball team.
Jackie: Woah, Ernest is jacked. What’s with that? (0:16)

Oscar: So how long do you think this scene is going to last?
Andy: You know, if this is all this movies does, that’s not so bad.
Jackie: It’s just a full basketball game. (0:19)

Oscar: Ernest, never say “throbbing” again.
Andy: He just said, “i’ll be a coiled cobra throbbing with power.”
Jackie: Ugh… (0:21)

Jackie: Don’t you hate it when basketball players try to act? (0:24)

Jackie: Did those shoes have water cooling? How long is this movie?
Andy: Too long.
Jackie: T’AHRS!
Oscar: It’s 93 minutes.
Andy: That’s exactly as long as The Hitcher!
Oscar: I hope Rutger Hauer shows up and kills everyboy. (0:25)

Andy: What was the movie with Robin Williams and the green stuff?
Jackie: Blubber? Wait, Flubber? Blubber was the Judy Blume book.
Andy: Right. This movie now has that. (0:26)

Oscar: “It’s the wrong sneakers, Gromit!” (0:27)

Oscar: This becomes a Kafka story.
Andy: “Ernest awoke one morning to discover he’s become a giant basketball player.” (0:30)

Andy: Where did that ball come from?
Jackie: It’s like Contact! (0:31)

Oscar: Was that supposed to be his sillhouette?
Stacey: Yeah.
Oscar: Looks more like a sillhouette of Alfred Hitchcock as a penguin with boobs. (0:32)

Oscar: She is like a budget Jan Hooks, which is really sad. (0:34)

Andy: It’s budget Martin Mull. (0:35)

Jackie: This is like a bad Rocko joke.
Oscar: That’s actually not a bad Bogart impression. (0:37)

Jackie: So basically, Ernet is still an ass, but he has cool shoes now.
Andy: Yeah. It’s like Flubber, only he didn’t invent the shoes. (0:44)

Jackie: So who’s that guy?
Andy: He’s the talent scout from the beginning.
Jackie: Oh yeah, the one hitting on the kid.
Andy: Yeah, the pedaphile. (0:46)

Andy: Is this supposed to be the Globetrotters theme?
Oscar: I think it’t supposed be an approximation of it. (0:50)

Oscar: You know, I’ll double check, but I don’t think this made the AFI top Sports Movies. (0:51)

Andy: His voice is like Jon Stewart doing George W. Bush. (0:54)

Oscar: He’s going to wind up cutting off his feet like a chainsaw. (0:54)

Jackie: Why is everyone so quiet?
Andy: I guess it’s stunned silence.
Oscar: Yeah, I’m kind of numbed. (1:00)

Stacey: Don’t be so serious about this. Think of it as the Three Stooges.
Andy: That’ll be the last time you compare this to the Three Stooges.
Stacey: Alright, fine. One Stooge.
Andy: You’re missing the point. (1:03)

Andy: Now it’s budget Vogue.
Jackie: What happened to the nice, bookish girl?
Stacey: She turned evil! (1:05)

Stacey: I like how crazy this is making Oscar.
Andy: I have to agree with you there.
Stacey: We’ll break his little film school heart. (1:06)

Andy: Those are good names for shoes.
Jackie: What were they called again?
Andy: “Utopian Flight” (1:09)

Andy: That was actually a funny line. I can’t believe I just said that.
Stacey: Hah. (1:11)

Oscar: I wonder if those are actually the Charlotte Hornets. (1:12)

Oscar: Woah.
Stacey: Different video quality.
Jackie: It looks like he’s in video and they’re on film.
Oscar: Yeah, and he’s definitely blue screened in there. (1:15)

Andy: Ah good, remorse, ten minutes of retribution, and then this movie’s over. (1:17)

Oscar: Switch to midget racing! We could be watching midget racing… (1:23)

Andy: I don’t like the eyes. Shoes shouldn’t have eyes. (1:24)

Andy: I know! He’s gotta believe! (1:26)

Oscar: I think this movie just lost me. (1:29)

Andy: “Very expensive money”? (1:30)

(for the first time in this entire series, we have been unable to find a clip of the movie we’re watching. we’ll fix this as soon as we can).

Oscar: You know what? This isn’t a very good movie. There. I said it. 1/2 Capacity Stadium

Andy: And me. And more money. And me. And more money. And me. And more money. And me. And more money. And me. And more money… Nice to see Kareem again. 1 Priceless Statue

Jackie: Oh yes, now I remember hating Ernest movies when I was younger. 1 Pair of Water-Cooled Shoes

Stacey: When I was a kid, I really would have wanted those shoes, but because I think they would have been covered in electronics and have rockets in them, and that would be just cool. 1 Non-Removable Hat

Episode #31 - The Hitcher (1986)

Oscar: “This is one of the seminal 80s horror movies that I feel like I should have seen by now, but haven’t. I picked this up at CEX maybe a month ago.”

Andy: So… Manos? The… Hands of Fate. (0:02)

Andy: ..the end.
Stacey: Boom!
Oscar: “Tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya!” (0:03)

Andy: See, that’s mistake number one.
Oscar: Mistake number two is never pick up Rutger Hauer. (0:05)

Jackie: Wow. He cuts right to the point.
Andy: Yeah. See, this movie has no exposition but it works.
Oscar: Yeah, this is awesome. (0:10)

Stacey: Good thing he wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
Jackie: So far this is a pretty feel-good movie. (0:14)

Andy: Why are you stopping? He’s just making bad decisions all around.
Stacey: Yes, they’re all dead, and the hitcher probably still has the knife and maybe more weapons.
Jackie: Change highways, go to the police, just don’t stop. (0:16)

Oscar: Looks like the set of an 80s music video. (0:18)

Stacey: Why are you pulling over? (0:20)

Oscar: I’d like to see a movie of the hitcher versus Stuntman Mike. (0:22)

Stacey: Haha, his car’s on fire.
Andy: His tires would melt!
Stacey: Probably. (0:23)

Oscar: That’s Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Andy: Jason Lee is in this movie? (0:26)

Jackie: What the hell? (0:31)

Andy: They’re using real phone numbers.
Oscar: Yeah. (0:34)

Oscar: It’s The Thing!
Andy: I was just thinking about how this movie is like The Thing. That sort of constant terror feeling. (0:40)

Jackie: We haven’t seen any real gore.
Andy: Well, there was the finger.
Jackie: True.
Oscar: We haven’t seen any actual murders.
Andy: Yeah, that’s what’s so powerful about this movie. (0:41)

Andy: Oh come on!
Jackie: Get back in your cell! You fucking idiot! (0:42)

Jackie: God, this is the most frustrating horror movie I have ever seen. (0:44)

Jackie: He is the worst protagonist ever.
Andy: This is as much the frustration of the protagonist as it is the genius of the killer. (0:48)

Andy: He’s kind of like Bobby from Twin Peaks. (0:50)

Andy: Man, “Eminence Front” just keeps wanting to start and just can’t start. (1:00)

Megan showed up with some cake. Her rating: “2 scary 4 me.”

All: Oh man! (1:03)

Oscar: Can’t really blame this one on the hitcher.
Andy: Nope. No one to blame here but himself.
Oscar: And Jenifer Jason Leigh.
Andy: Jason Lee’s in this movie? (1:04)

Jackie: Man, this is a bad day for him. (1:06)

Andy: This is like a Grand Theft Auto you don’t want to play. (1:06)

Oscar: They found the Texas Chainsaw Massacre House! (1:08)

We’re pretty glued to the TV for this conclusion. We feel as though any commentary here might spoil it.

Stacey: Rule number 1: don’t pick up hitchhikers. Rule number 2: don’t be that guy! 2 halves of a girlfriend

Andy: I only know Rutger Hauer from Blade Runner and now this movie. I never want to meet Rutger Hauer. 1 Magnum, no bullets.

Jackie: Simultaneously the creepiest villian and the dumbest protagonist ever. You guess the outcome. Lots of small-town diners.

Oscar: I knew this movie was considered something of a classic in the Fangoria set, but I wasn’t prepared for what an intense little movie this is. And I disagree with Andy: I want to have a cup of coffee with Rutger Hauer. 1 Serving of Finger Food.

Episode #30 - Tales From The Grave (Beyond Death, Brides of the Dead, and The Rotting Dead)

Stacey: “I’m not totally sure where this came from, but odds are high that it came from the ‘2 for $10’ bin at Wal-Mart.”

Beyond Death starts us off.

Jackie: “The Hunger…” (0:00)

Oscar: Beyond the Halloween store.
Jackie: It’s an “Are You Afraid of the Dark” episode! (0:00)

Andy: Hey the guy in the metal shirt is like Victor from Wet Hot American Summer.. and it’s budget… uh… Katie Holmes. (0:02)

Oscar: You know what? I think I’ve seen this. I think this is part of “The Dead Hate The Living”! (0:03)

Bethany: They still haven’t explained why they all are covered in blood.
Stacey: They’re filming a movie, I think.
Oscar: They explained it, in “The Dead Hate The Living.” (0:03)

Oscar: Hello, day-for-night.
Andy: Nice to see we’re back in our true form. (0:06)

Oscar: Somehow I don’t remember it being this bad. (0:08)

Bethany: Can you imagine the casting call for this? “We’re looking for a really bad actor to play a really bad actor.” (0:08)

Oscar: They opened a portal to an Iron Maiden concert.
Stacey: If they keep going it’ll be a Gwar show. (0:09)

Andy: So it looks like they just cut out all of the non-zombie bits in this movie.
Oscar: This is probably the right way to see this movie.
Jackie: Is this in order? Or is it missing stuff?
Oscar: I think it’s just the gore. I’ll be curious if they keep the ending, because the ending sucked. As opposed to the rest of this. (0:11)

Bethany: “I am a British Zombie!”
Stacey: “We have a strobe light!”
Oscar: “Enjoy our lazer tag!” (0:12)

Stacey: Ooh, they’re going to turn him into a zombie. And they’re dragging him by entrails.
Andy: Which are conveniently tied to his belt. (0:14)

Oscar: Hey! There’s a “living dead giiiirlll…”
Stacey: Hey! Where’s the blood and… oh, there it is. (0:18)

Stacey: He was an amazing shot a while ago. What happenend?
Jackie: Wait, where did he get the gun?
Oscar: I feel like all of this might have been explained in the actual movie? (0:27)

Andy: Do you think the people that made the original movie know about this DVD that slices up their movie? Should I be calling someone? (0:28)

Onto Brides of the Dead…

Oscar: Hey, it’s the Steve Buscemi looking guy from Terror Firmer. (0:29)

Bethany: They totally had a show like this on MTV. (0:32)

Andy: So… what movie is this totally ripping off, Oscar?
Oscar: I don’t know… (0:34)

Bethany: It’s a house with exit signs on the door. (0:35)

Andy: “ooooohhh… welllcooommeee to Spooooooky World….”
Oscar: It’s Louise Woodward!
Stacey: Did her guts just shake out? (0:39)

Bethany: Oh man, hankercheif tops. That puts this at around 1999. (0:39)

Andy: What!? Are you kidding me?
Oscar: Oh, straight-to-video horror. (0:41)

Jackie: He is such an unattractive guy. (0:42)

Oscar: When did Rainbow say any of this?
Andy: In the cut of the movie that isn’t on this disc. (0:45)

Andy: Okay, so the actual name of this movie is “Hell Asylum.” (0:48)

Stacey: This is like reality TV meets Fear Factor.
Oscar: … which is reality TV.
Stacey: Well, the whole living in the house together thing too. (0:50)

Oscar: And we have our “final girl.” (0:50)

Andy: This has all the acting of a porn film (0:52)

Oscar: The talisman didn’t do much for you, Rainbow.
Andy: Also, talisman? It’s a cross! (0:53)

Oscar: Are they in Abu Ghraib?
Andy: Oh… too far. (0:54)

Greg: Look at all that spaghetti!
Oscar: She’s full of Twizzlers Pull-And-Peel. (0:55)

Andy: Yeah! Two bad endings in a row! Can we make it three?
Oscar: Wait, there’s an epilogue. (0:57)

Onto The Rotting Dead

Stacey: Hey, it’s budget David Duchovny.
Andy: And budget Michael Moore. (0:58)

Bethany: I don’t know… I feel like if there was a ferral jackyl boy in my town I would know about it. (1:00)

Andy: I don’t know. I wouldn’t stick around to see when they say “do you want to know what it’s like to be dead and rotting?”
Bethany: Apparently it’s like chicken pox. (1:01)

Andy: You know what, I do admire the fact that they are trimming all of the fat out of…
All: Uuuuuughhhhhh!
Oscar: that’s the first nudity!?
Andy: I take everything back. I hate this DVD. (1:03)

Bethany: Men don’t know those words! (1:06)

Andy: Did she just have an abortion?
Stacey: And put it in a skeleton and on a pumpkin?
Andy: What’s going on here?
Stacey: Come now, don’t you know
Oscar: This is the best Halloween craft show ever.
Greg: “Okay, take the half-born fetus, put it in a skeleton…” (1:08)

Jackie: Day-for-night like woah. (1:08)

Oscar: I think this is the one where the editing technique falls apart. (1:10)

Oscar: Did they just fade out of that scene halfway through?
Andy: Man this one just does not hold up.
Jackie: At least the others you could follow.
Oscar: Yeah, the others I could buy as short films. (1:14)

Andy: Wait, is that budget Katie Holmes?
Bethany: No, it’s more like budget Liv Tyler.
Oscar: Or budget Rose McGowan.
Bethany: I think Rose McGowan is budget Rose McGowan.
Jackie: She kinda looks like the lead singer from Evanescence. (1:16)

Oscar: Did they cut out the part when they kill the cat? This sounds like the central part to this movie. (1:17)

Jackie: Who is that kid?
Andy: “He killed the cat!” (1:18)

Oscar: Is that Tromeo? (1:18)

Andy: Whammy? Are we playing “Press Your Luck”? (1:19)

Oscar: So is putting the whammy on something that exists outside of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins lyrics? (1:20)

All: Homunculus? homunculus! (1:20)

Andy: Okay, this movie is actually “Dead & Rotting” from 2002. (1:24)

Oscar: Ah, this is Full Moon Direct. This is the kind of thing Full Moon would do.

Andy: Okay, so “Beyond Death” is actually called “The Dead Hate the Living.” “Brides of the Dead” is called “Hell Asylum,” and “The Rotting Dead” is “Dead & Rotting.” You loose a little in watching them packaged with all the surplus footage removed, but not much. I’d say it’s the perfect pace for a horror marathon. 1 Set of Skeeels.

Oscar: I suppose I should take it as sort of a moment of clarity, when I realized I am stumbling across the same direct-to-video horror tripe repeatedly. As it stands, though, this movie filled me with a weird sort of nostalgia. Buckets of generic entrail strands.

Stacey: Each movie on its own could have never been enough, but packaged together, they work. Thank you, Wal-Mart. Worth about 5 Bucks.

Bethany: These movies left me with lingering nausea and a craving for red Kool-Aid. 3 semi-aborted pumpkin babies (one for each film).

Jackie: I could definitely dig the first two “movies.” By the third they seemed to have lost interest in editing, but all in all - pretty amazing. 1 Pint of CGI Blood.

Episode #29 - Reflections of Evil

Oscar: “I randomly stumbled across the trailer for this on YouTube a while back and decided it looked inexplicable enough to own. As for why I haven’t watched it - it was after we started The Stack.”

Andy: I need this intro. (0:00)

Andy: Sydney Pollack?
Stacey: Jackson Pollack? (0:00)

Jackie: This is going to be fucking terrible.
Oscar: Thing you have to know about this is that it was made, like, 5 years ago.
Jackie: Really? I thought this was the 60s
Oscar: Yeah, this guy just made this and gave out copies around LA.
Aaron: Try 29,000 copies. (0:01)

Jackie: I needed to see that. (0:03)

Andy: Going from Contact to this is pretty jarring.
Oscar: This is like John Waters meets TV Carnage. (0:04)

Jackie: Is this guy Michael Moore? (0:05)

Aaron: Is this whole thing dubbed?
Oscar: I have a feeling, yes.
Andy: I have a feeling the director also does half the voices, too. (0:06)

Jackie: How long is this?
Andy: Two hours and 15 minutes!
Jackie: Of this?
Aaron: Just think of this as a slightly longer TV Carnage with an overarching plot (0:08)

Matt: This is a pretty good representation of LA so far. (0:11)

Andy: This movie is going to test my limits. For 45 minutes this is going be fun, an then it’s an hour and half of torture. (0:12)

Jackie: Are these people all just people in the street?
Oscar: I’m going to guess some of them are. (0:12)

Andy: I think this whole movie was shot by him interacting and taping real people, and then dubbing over a storyline.
Matt: Which is amazing, if it’s true. (0:14)

Matt: Crazy that this is shot on film.
Oscar: I ordered this through Barnes and Noble, for, like ten bucks.
Aaron: Fifteen minutes, guys! (0:15)

Aaron: This movie draws heavily from America’s Funniest Home Videos. (0:17)

Oscar: This feels like the movie Cecil B. Demented was making. (0:17)

Aaron: I like how he only has Manischewitz products in his cabinets.
Oscar: He got sponsorship. (0:18)

Andy: Raw fish? On top of a pie?
Jackie: This is not my beautiful house!
Matt: Didn’t Henry Rollins say he liked this movie. (0:20)

Andy: This foley is going to kill me.
Aaron: It only felt like a second, but he’s been going through that fridge for 18 hours. (0:21)

Andy: This has all the charm of early Peter Jackson.
Aaron: This was ghost directed by Peter Jackson. (0:22)

Oscar: I think now we officially have one week to live.
Andy: Yeah this feels like the Ring? I’m sorry, did I say The Ring? This feels like Fear Dot Com.
Matt & Aaron: (in unison) This feels like Swimfan! (0:24)

Stacey: The title card feels so good compared to that. (0:24)

Oscar: How did this not win Best Sound Design?
Andy: This is the worst sound design! That’s like saying Hammerfall should always win best music. (0:27)

Andy: Oh my god…
Oscar: Now imagine you’re a celebrity, and you get a copy of this in the mail.
Aaron: Three times! (0:29)

Andy: This is how Oscar sees and hears the world.
Matt: This is just his inner view.
Oscar: Right now I’m seeing this movie like Forest Gump.
Stacey: Looks like he’s wearing a kilt.
Aaron: I like how the film quality changes with each shot. (0:31)

Andy: That was like a Mr. Rodgers shot. (0:33)

Matt: You have to give it this… everything in this movie is very intentional. It’s really impressive.
Andy: Yeah, especially considering this is all mainly one person. (0:36)

Andy: This movie is just turning into a commentary of “Something Evil.” (0:37)

Stacey: Hehe. Lightsaber sounds.
Aaron: He found the sound effects tape for Star Wars. (0:40)

Andy: If this turns into a musical number, all is forgiven. (0:42)

Oscar: I’m really glad movies like this are still being made. (0:43)

Stacey: “The Hunger…is never ending…”
Aaron:: Man, Thriller just can’t get started here. (0:48)

Andy: I like his collection of headphones.
Aaron: What’s with the sound effects?!
Oscar: You mean how they’re awesome? (0:50)

Aaron: Imagine seeing this in a theater.
Oscar: Oh, man… (0:51)

Aaron: Can you imagine how many cans of Pringles were used in the making of the sound effects reel? (0:55)

Andy: This is like a suburban gang fight - pruning saw vs. hatchet. (0:58)

All: What?! Ugh…
Jackie: That’s Aqua Teen Hunger Force special effects.
Stacey: I like how the explosion had square framing. (1:00)

Oscar: This must be the dog scene Rollins was talking about on the back of the box. (1:02)

Oscar: This is what it’s like in Grand Theft Auto when you enter the code that makes everyone attack you. (1:05)

Matt: Looks like Iggy Pop is in this movie. (1:07)

Matt: That’s what LA is like. Helicopters all the time.
Andy: Really? Is this really what LA is like?
Aaron: I was there for two days once. It was a lot like this. (1:09)

Aaron: Turns out the afterlife isn’t so different than the real world. (1:12)

Aaron: “Rugrats was filmed in front of a live studio audience…” (1:18)

Aaron: To be honest, I always wanted to do a movie where 95 percent of it is walking.
Matt: Got beaten to the punch. (1:19)

Jackie: Obvious green screen. They don’t even have the restraints.
Andy: Nah, that would require building a set - something this movie doesn’t look like it’s willing to do. (1:20)

Jackie: Credit sequence?
Matt: Really long credit sequence?
Andy: Really?
Aaron: Not really. I sincerely doubt it’s over. (1:30)

Aaron: Well, if that wasn’t an ad for Final Cut Pro, I don’t know what is. (1:31)

Aaron: This movie mystifies me on even a fundamental level. How can I possibly review this movie? Enough Barking Dogs to Last Me a Lifetime

Matt: Perhaps one of the greatest movies about Los Angeles ever made. The dog sequence is incredible. Miss Congeniality 2

Stacey: This movie may have been the brain child (if you could call it a brain) from someone who liked to listen to four different Firesign Theatre albums at the same time. 47 Pairs of Headphones

Jackie: The only enjoyable thing about this movie was that it was not, in fact, two hours and fifteen minutes long. 1 Bundle.

Andy: It’s little coinscidence that we kept making Clockwork Orange references throughout this whole movie. At first I couldn’t stand another minute of it, and by the end I was slightly (I put emphasis on slightly) bummed that it wasn’t going to continue. I need to watch another movie before I think this is normal. A whole of wristwatches. 5 Dollars.

Oscar: In a perfect world, this would be playing in every multiplex. I’m not being ironic - I want to be able to see this at 2:00 in the afternoon in a shopping mall. 6 Disgusting Matzo Balls

Episode #28 - Contact

Jackie: “As with Matrix Reloaded and the Exorcist, I found this office in a pile of DVDs my boss was getting rid of. I grabbed it because I grabbed everything that wasn’t the first season of Sex and the City.”

Andy: Does it really take 30 years for radio to reach Jupiter? (0:01)

Oscar: It’s like a screen saver.
Andy: “Billions and billions of stars…” (0:03)

Andy: Woah, Jena Malone. (0:05)

Oscar: “By the way, dude, you’re getting a Dell.” (0:12)

Oscar: Wait, is he supposed to be blind?
Andy: Uh, yeah.
Jackie: Yeah, I haven’t seen that and I figured it out.
Oscar: I…
Jackie: I figured that out 30 seconds into the movie!
Andy: The seeing eye dog and the cane didn’t tip you off?
Oscar: I didn’t see the dog… and I thought the cane was an affectation.
Andy: Dude… (0:16)

We’re quietly observing.

Oscar: They’re using Netscape! (0:43)

Andy: Rob Lowe!
Oscar: Woah. Totally forgot he was in this. (0:56)

Technical difficulties! Standby… our disc is destroyed, but we really want to finish this now that we’re an hour in. Oscar is running to find another copy. Be back soon.

We’re back! And friends Aaron, Greg, and Bethany have joined.

Andy: “McConaughey!?”
Aaron: “I’m into all flavors.” (1:19)

Jackie: This is kinda ridiculous. I don’t think this is how it would go. (1:27)

Jackie: This whole movie is Jodie Foster being treated like crap. (1:28)

Jackie: Wait, where did we see that guy before?
Andy: At the gala reception.
Jackie: Oh! That creepy guy.
Oscar: That was Gary Busey’s kid, Jake Busey.
Aaron: “We’re going to need someone really creepy. Call the Buseys.” (1:35)

Aaron: Why would they issue hats like that?
Andy: “Are we not space-men?”
Aaron: “We are actors.”
Andy: “Are we not space-men?”
Aaron: “We are actors.” (1:47)

Hey, friend Matt arrived!

Quietly watching the end of the movie.

Oscar: Tucker Smallwood and Maxamillian Martini
Jackie: In Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens! (2:23)

Aaron: As a scientist, I have to concede that I didn’t see half of this movie. 18 Hours of Enjoyment.

Greg: The ending of this movie wants me to read pages and pages of poorly-written fan fiction about what happens to her afterward. 43 New Dishes

Stacey: Static shouldn’t be that interesting. Makes me want to play with my old walkie-talkies again. 1 Really Fricken Huge Satellite Dish, That Andy Says Is Owned By Cornell

Jackie: Despite technical complications - pretty good movie, although now I have to throw away my copy. T’AHRS! (and thirty minutes)

Andy: It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen this movie, and I did appreciate all of the nuances I got now that I actually have the intelligence of an adult. Makes me want to read some Sagan. Billions and Billions of Stars

Oscar: I have to hand it to the makers of this movie, to get such an awesomely eggheaded film to summer blockbuster status, that I saw when I was twelve. 1 Lesser Busey.

Bethany: I only saw 15 minutes of it, but really, I saw 18 hours. It never ends. 1 Waste of Space

Episode #27 - Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control

Andy: “The lovely and talented Amelia F. gave me this as a graduation gift. I really have no idea what it’s about, but I like all of those things.”

Jackie: What did that say?
Oscar: Rated PG for “mild thematic elements.”
Jackie: What does that mean? (0:00)

Stacey: Hey Oscar, what animal was that?
Oscar: Naked mole rat.
Andy: I like this movie already. (0:01)

Stacey: I wonder if elephants ever step on their own trunks… (0:02)

Andy: By the way, my nightmares now have a soundtrack. (0:03)

Jackie: I’ve always been profoundly creeped out by circuses. This isn’t helping… and hey, it’s shot like Battlefield Earth. (0:04)

Andy: Thing is, none of these are fast, cheap, or out of control. They’re more disciplined, studious, and meticulously crafted. (0:06)

Oscar: …so the guy who shot this has filmed me naked. (0:09)

Stacey: So… what’s this movie about again?
Oscar: These four people, I guess.
Stacey: Are they connected some how?
Oscar: I guess we’ll see.
Jackie: This isn’t very fast, cheap, and out of control.
Andy: Right now I’m imagining a robotic topiary naked mole rat in the cirucs. (0:16)

We’re quietly enjoying this one.

Andy: …still don’t understand why they called this movie “Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control.” (0:33)

Jackie: This is… not boring… it’s strangely - kinda slow moving.
Oscar: Yeah. I like it though.
Andy: Me too.
Jackie: I’m having a hard time putting them all together.
Stacey: They’re all working on the human experience?
Jackie: No - what about the topiary guy?
Stacey: Oh yeah.
Oscar: I guess they all study behavior?
Jackie: The topiary dude?
Oscar: I guess with the girl.
Andy: Maybe they could call this movie “Quirky Jobs”? (0:39)

More quiet observation… lots of quiet observation.

Stacey: This thing… still isn’t fitting together, yet… (1:05)

Andy: I’m going to try a serious review here. I see this movie as a story about custodianship - each of these people were responsible for taking care of something, and we saw their obesssion and love portrayed whether it be topiary or naked mole rats. In the end, the balance of humanity and these peculiar others did make for a nice story, even if it didn’t tie together for me until the end of the movie I still have no idea why they called this movie what they called it. It makes little sense, and takes away from the film. 1 Wristwatch.

Oscar: Honestly, I’m enough of a sucker for this kind of thing that it didn’t need to tie up at all for me. I can listen to unusual people talking about unusual things all day, and anything involving naked mole rats is automatically an excellent thing. 100 1-Kilogram Robots

Jackie: While I enjoyed each person’s individual story, I don’t feel they were connected enough to constitue one documentary. Also, the clips of old movies seemed mostly disconnected from the interviews. I might have enjoyed it more were I not totally exhausted. 1 Very Zen Bowel Movement.

Stacey: Naked mole rats - cool. Topiary - need to look at. Robots - lot of fun. Lion tamers - kind of interesting. Why? 15 or 20 naked mole rat babies.

Episode #26 - Matrix Reloaded

Jackie: “As with the Exorcist, I found this lying around my office with some other DVDs and a whole bunch of CDs. Apparently my boss had been cleaning out his DVD and CD collection, and these were up for grabs.”

Jackie: So is this the second or the third one?
Oscar: This is the second.
Jackie: Oh… oh my gosh it’s awful already! This is exactly what we thought it would be. (0:01)

Andy: I’ll give this movie one thing. It doesn’t trouble us with exposition. (0:02)

Oscar: “Woah.”
Andy: We’re going to do that a lot, aren’t we? (0:03)

Oscar: Andy, have you seen this?
Andy: Yeah. I think I saw this twice in the theater…
Jackie: What?! Really?
Andy: Yeah, I saw it with two different groups of people.
Jackie: I just lost some respect for you.
Andy: What? Fuck you! I don’t own this movie.
Jackie: Yeah, but I didn’t pay for it. (0:05)

Jackie: Why are they all wearing sunglasses?
Oscar: So they can, so they can see the visions in their mind. (0:06)

Jackie: Are they in the Matrix or not? (0:10)

Andy: Now, who supervised the stunts in this? Wasn’t it the guy from Crouching Tiger and Hero?
Oscar: Yeah - Yuen Woo-Ping. He also did Drunken Wu-Tang.
Andy: Aw, awesome. (0:11)

Oscar: It’s Iron Monger! (0:13)

Oscar: You know, I’m not saying this entirely to be a smart ass, but this movie would be a lot better if they just got rid of the dialogue entirely.
Jackie: Yeah, I mean… it has really good special effects. You could combine this movie with the plot of Battlefield Earth and have a hell of a movie.
Andy: Or just… hell. (0:15)

Oscar: This is pretty funny if you imagine Morpheous as Cowboy Curtis. (0:17)

Oscar: Andy Rooney? (0:18)

Jackie: This all feels like a Star Trek parody.
Oscar: This feels like Star Trek fan fiction. (0:19)

Andy: Woah, hang on.
Stacey: He pulled himself up there…
Andy: No no no - look who it is.
Jackie: Woah!
Oscar: Awesome!
Andy: Man, Zoe gets on a much cooler ship with Serenity later. (0:22)

Jackie: Are we in Middle Earth now? (0:24)

Oscar: “Caaaan you diiiig iiiiitttt!!!?!?!???” (0:24)

Oscar: Oh man, they got Stomp to play!
Andy: “Zub zub, me say zub zub…”
Oscar: Meanwhile at Woodstock ‘99 (0:27)

Jackie: Is this a rave now?
Stacey: Yes, yes it is. (0:28)

Andy: There’s a lot of E in Zion.
Stacey: They just pump it into the atmosphere. (0:29)

Andy: So, in the future… robots are going come after us, so in defense we’ll throw a massive orgy.
Stacey: There’s a drone for every person. “Quick! Make more!” (0:30)

Oscar: “Woah.” (0:31)

Jackie: Oh come on. “It’s a rainbow!” (0:32)

Jackie: He kinda looks like a Klingon, doesn’t he? Not Keanu - the other one. (0:36)

Jackie: Home office. (0:37)

Oscar: There’s probably a Riff Trax for this, too.
Jackie: Oh man, there probably is. (0:37)

Andy: Alright, I’ve been avoiding asking this the whole time: How long is this movie?
Oscar: Let’s see… oooh. 138 minutes. (0:38)

Oscar: Has Carrie-Ann Moss ever played a junkie, or is it that I just think she looks like one? (0:42)

Andy: 138 minutes, huh?
Oscar: Yup. (0:45)

Oscar: uuuuuughhh…
Andy: Remember those hot-shot college Freshman that though they were waaay deep because they were thinking for the first time in their god-damn lives? Was this written by them?
Jackie: Ugh, what the frig? (0:46)

Jackie: This was written by someone who took Philosophy 101 and dropped it two weeks in. (0:49)

Jackie: Who is Agent Smith? I always thought he was good as this role.
Oscar: He also played Elrond in the Lord of the Rings.
Andy: He’s… Hugo Weaving. Oh man, he was the voice of Megatron in the new Transformers movie!
All: Awesome! (0:50)

Andy: This is my favorite scene. Just fighting a bunch of the same guy.
Jackie: It looks like a fight amongst the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. (0:54)

Andy: Yeah, this is the best scene in the movie. Sorry, guys. It’s downhill from here.
Jackie: Yeah, if this movie were all action it’d be good.
Oscar: One long fight scene. (0:59)

Oscar: Where did she get that hat!? It’s the robot apocalypse. (1:00)

Oscar: This is like watching CSPAN. (1:02)

Andy: So this guy’s claim to fame is that he made date-rape chocolate cake? (1:08)

Jackie: That is the worst thing that I have ever seen! Come on! Did he make a program that would give a woman an orgasm by eating cake?
Oscar: Yeah. (1:10)

Andy: By the way, Keanu Reeves wrote this scene. Little known fact. (1:12)

Stacey: He just used the Force! (1:18)

Andy: By the way, guys: one hour left in the movie!
Jackie: Are you serious?
Andy: Yup. (1:38)

Oscar: This scene could use a Wilhelm scream.
Andy: In slow motion. (1:19)

Andy: Really this whole movie is a metaphor for badware. (1:20)

Oh hey, it’s Aaron!

Aaron: “Hello, operator, please give me number 9!” (1:23)

We’re catching up on the finer points of how bad this movie is in general. Nothing quotable.

Aaron: “You can’t stop me, you punk-ass bitch!”
Andy: Boy, look at that Chrysler.
Oscar: I wanna buy me a car that gets that many bulletts. (1:30)

Andy: “Woah.” (1:31)

Aaron: Meanwhile, in Star Wars. (1:37)

Andy: Meanwhile, in a David Lynch film. (1:38)

Aaron: “Tonight is going to last… two movies.” (1:42)

Oscar: You know, this movie encourages skitzophrenics to go on killing sprees. (1:45)

Aaron: “Woah.” (1:49)

We’re all quietly watching the end of the movie.

Stacey: Cool pen. (1:55)

Jackie: This scene is so boring. (1:56)

Aaron: “Katamari Damacy…” (1:59)

Andy: Oh man, never has Rage Against the Machine felt so impotent. (2:07)

Stacey: Does this mean there are 10 minutes of credits?
Oscar: Yes. (2:07)

Aaron: I always try and pretend like the second two movies weren’t made. Kind of like Lord of the Rings. Except not. (2:08)

Andy: I am conflicted. The movie went by fast when people were fighting, but incredibly slow when anything was happening that wasn’t fighting. I at once want to see the original Matrix again, and never want to endorse any Matrix-related product for the rest of my life. Some may call this a glitch in my Matrix consumption; I’m just deleting the whole damn thing. Woah.

Aaron: Woah-y woah woah woah! There must be a lot of gods out there, to have so many acts of it. A 30-meter Chrysler Star

Oscar: I stand by my assertion that there’s a really good silent film hidden inside of this. Watching this movie is like watching the shitty YouTube remakes of George Melies’ A Trip to the Moon, where some internet douche has replaced the soundtrack with Prodigy, and has him reading the Desiderata. 1 Bagillion Elrons.

Stacey: I enjoyed this movie for the reasons my mother likes Lethal Weapon. Action and the right people without their clothes on. 2 Ghosts.

Jackie: Not as bad as I expected, but still bad. I agree with Oscar - if there were no dialogue it would an okay movie. Too Many Fucking Pairs of Sunglasses

Episode #25 - Transformers: The Movie (1986)

Nichole is still here!

Stacey: “Joint gift from Oscar and Andy. Not sure why I haven’t seen it. Probably should have, with how many times it’s shown at Coolidge and whatnot. Oh well. Time to fix it now.”

Andy: This movie didn’t have a title sequence, did it? Just went right into it. (0:02)

Jackie: Wow. It’s a good thing we’re not epileptic.
Oscar: That’s kind of a general good statement. It’s a daily affirmation. (0:02)

All: “Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey.” (0:03)

Jackie: Eric Idle?!
Oscar: The cast of this is ridiculous…
Stacey: Judd Nelson… Leonard Nimoi.
Oscar: And Orson Welles in his final film role!
Jackie: Orson Welles is in this movie. (0:04)

Andy: Oh man… Soundwave. Soundwave is my favorite transformer. I’m so glad he’s in this.
Oscar: You know he’s in the new one, too.
Andy: Does he still play cassettes?
Oscar: I think he plays CDs.
Andy: That sucks. I’m not interested. (0:07)

Jackie: They destroyed Home Office! (0:08)

Jackie: Gravity-defying child! (0:09)

Stacey: Garfield used that jet-scream song. (0:11)

Oscar: This wouldn’t be the song I’d play here.
Jackie: Yeah.
Andy: I feel like that’s not the only time we are going to say that. (0:12)

Oscar: I’m glad the one transformer I had as a kid is voiced by the Micro Machines guy. (0:12)

Jackie: I love the one female one.
Andy: That’s tiny compared to the other ones.
Oscar: Yeah, and why would they give her breasts?
Nichole: Why not?
Jackie: She’s got a metal bikini.
Oscar: This movie has a David Cronenberg sense of sexuality. (0:13)

Andy: Yeah! Mix tape attack! (0:15)

Jackie: How could they do a new one? It’d lose all of its 80s charm.
Oscar: It’s bad. (0:16)

Oscar: So there was, what, one year between this and the Breakfast Club for Judd Nelson? (0:17)

Jackie: So is this a movie based on action figures.
Oscar: It’s a movie based on a TV show based on action figures. (0:18)

Andy: This movie has a market capitalization on the letter “O.” (0:19)

Oscar: Oh man, it’s this song.
Oscar & Andy: “You’ve got the touch! You’ve got the poooower! (0:20)

Jackie: What is with the upbeat Journey-knockoff songs during the fight scenes? (0:21)

Andy: Yeah Soundwave! Love that bot. (0:23)

Nichole: Wow, we’re only 24 minutes in.
Andy: So much more happened here than in 21 Grams. (0:24)

Jackie: How can it die? It’s a robot! Just fix it! (0:25)

Andy: The Matrix? (0:25)

Jackie: Do they address the facts that they have souls in crystals in their chests?
Oscar: No. (0:25)

Oscar: What are these measuring?
Andy: Heartrate?
Oscar: What heart?
Andy: Sean-Penn-ness? (0:26)

Jackie: Woah, it’s a Trapper Keeper. (0:27)

Andy: Yeah, Soundwave! You tell him!
Oscar: It’s a union metaphor. (0:28)

Jackie: So this is Orson Welles talking right now?
Oscar: Yeah. And I think that’s Leonard Nimoi. (0:32)

Andy: We should watch the Matrix: Reloaded after this.
Oscar: The Matrix of Leadership Reloaded. (0:34)

Jackie: Does that planet have horns?
Oscar: Yeah, it’s kind of like the Death Star meets Galactus… I can feel the acne popping out now. (0:35)

Nichole: Woah, they swore.
Oscar: Yeah, probably to get a PG rating. (0:37)

Stacey: Woah, they’re shooting flames.
Jackie: Not so much flames as marinara sauce. (0:39)

Jackie: Wait, what did he say?
Oscar: “Tell me again about the petro-rabbits.” Which means that someone throgh a Faulkner reference into Tranformers: The Movie. (0:40)

Oscar: “Never tell me the odds!”
Andy: I was just about to say that. (0:45)

Oscar: Someone designed robot seaweed.
Andy: Maybe the robots designed robot seaweed. “Do Robot Fish Dream of Electric Seaweed?” (0:45)

Andy: Man, I so want a robot squid. (0:46)

Oscar: A man-animal in an exo-suit!? (0:48)

Jackie: Is that Eric Idle?
Oscar: Yeah.
Jackie: With an evil robot moustache.
Andy: Fu Man-Python
Oscar: Fu Man-Tron. (0:49)

Oscar: You know, it takes a lot to convince me to not ride with a bunch of robot dinosaurs… (0:55)

Jackie: That’s got to be uncomfortable.
Andy: Yeah, and motion-sickness inducing.
Nichole: This movie is motion-sickness inducing. (0:58)

Jackie: Okay, they just drove down into water. How does that work? (0:59)

Andy: Yeah Weird Al! But why sing just this line?
Jackie: Why is he on here again?
Oscar: I heard he was the biggest act on the label that did the soundtrack. (1:03)

Jackie: I wouldn’t fuck with someone that has his own gravitational pull. (1:08)

Oscar: So, a flying robot triceritops that breathes fire… in space?
Jackie: Flying into a giant tranformed robot.
Oscar: That transformed into a viking. (1:13)

Stacey: Hit and run!
Andy: “Did anyone get the license plate on that robot?” (1:15)

Jackie: Dude, how do you strangle a robot? (1:15)

Oscar: “Might as well jump!” (1:19)

Andy: This movie’s a classic, but it needed a lot more Soundwave. A Little Energon and a Lot of Luck.

Nichole: This is the most uplifting movie I’ve seen all night. 1 Shit.

Oscar: Like many people who watch this now, it filled me with great notalgia for when I saw this three times in two weeks in the theatre. Unlike most of those people, that time was two years ago. 5 Retarded Robot Dinosaurs.

Stacey: Would be really cool in 3-D. Just 1 Female Robot

Jackie: A vast improvement over the previous movie we watched. Also I dig the cassette tape robots. 1 Song